INSOMNIAAAAAAA

Laying in bed.... staring at the wall.... thinking about how I can NEVER sleep. Sometimes, it's like my brain activates just as I try to lay down. I end up grabbing this computer, and typing ridiculous bullshit until 4am. I started to do some math (I love doing math in my head), and decided that I spend about 30-35 hours a week sleeping, depending on whether or not I have a lazy weekend day. If you're thinking that figure sounds funny, you're absolutely right! That averages out to between 4 & 5 hours a night. Crazy, I know but I'm totally cool with that! I have always been that way, I actually get it from my mother. Why sleep when you can be doing so many productive things, right? I have gotten so deep into an arts & crafts project, that I didn't go to bed at all!!! I have sat down to update my status before bed, and found myself with a 2,000 word blog by 4:30 in the morning, in NO time! It's crazy. Sometimes an idea will hit me just before I finally drift off, and I can't settle back down without grabbing my computer, or atleast saving a short reminder in my phone. If it gets too quiet, and the room is too dar, I sometimes find myself playing a game on my phone, or downloading some apps. I have a problem, but I feel like I need all of the time that I utilize while not asleep.

UNTIL.... the morning rolls around. I HATE getting out of bed. This has been a problem of mine since I can remember. As an adolescent, my dad would barge into my room and scream at me multiple times a day. I would scream and verbally assault him the first 3 times, then finally hop up the 4th time, and not remember anything before that. It was awful riding to school with Mark the Shark, pissssssed off because I had apparently called him an eff'ing loser, without even knowing it.

To this day, I have to dig deep within every bit of my being to find the strength to pull my ass out of bed. I can snooze with the best of 'em. I am infamous for setting multitudes of annoying alarms, and sleeping through them. I have had roomies come in and be my wake-up call because all of my alarms woke them up. I have been late to more classes and now, work, than you could imagine. It's so annoying. Thank goodness I can spruce up in a jiffy!

As I sit here today at a professional business marketing seminar, I look back at where I was, and what my priorities were on past 4-20's.... Man things sure have changed! Atleast I'm at Dave & Buster's I guess!

I feel bad for people who dislike Lil Wayne

1. You obviously have shitty taste in music, and can't recognize a world class lyricist.
2. You can't escape him! He is everywhere! Lil Wayne has guest starred in probably 500 songs since the New Year. Good luck with that.

A REAL man has great shoes!

I am a shoe person. Not only do I choose to have fly kicks, as on-the-reg as possible, I also love to look at other people's shoes. See it? Shoe... Person! I look at peoples shoes all the time. It's a wonderful judge of character, actually.

When my roomie and I were talking about a guy at the gym, I was like, "The guy with back high-top Jordans?", and she was like, "I have no idea, weirdo, I have never looked at his shoes."

Guys should always have fresh shoes. There's not much variety in "jeans and a shirt", and you can only have so many polo's and graphic tees. The only way to truly differentiate yourself is to have kick ass shoes. All the time. Sneakers are of utmost importance, the ultimate deal breaker for me.... I don't even have to go there.... but there are some other key ingredients to a REAL man's shoe collection.

1.You need some boots. Some big, manly, tough boots. Boots that you can take outside and do some real sexy man stuff in. Cowboy or not, getchyou sum boots!

2.Dress shoes are also a big deal, hafta be clean, current, and match your belt, PLEASE! Don't be afraid to drop some real cheese here.

3.Outdoor shoes. The kind of shoes you can wear hiking/biking/Green-belting/living your life on the edge shoes.

4.Every man should have some sandals. Some don't like them, and wouldn't wear a flip-flop to save their life. What's up with that. Maybe it's just a Lubbock Cowboy thing, but seriously, get some sandals. I'm not gonna watch you wear your old 2004 Air Max's at the lake, you look retarded.

5.The 2nd sexiest kind of shoe, under fresh sneakers, is a a casual shoe. For some, it's a Sperry, but please don't buy anymore Sperry's people. There are many other sexy cashzz (abbreve for casual, Mom) kicks.

6.Finally, you have a little shoe collection going. Now, reward yourself and get some of these.

I just had a four hour black-out blogging sesh. I hate when I do that! The awkward position I have been in the entire time has caused 3 of my limbs to be completely numb, and I did nothing productive at all once I got home from my day. sick. I think I have a problem.

Summer of the Single Ladies

Call me tacky, and vain, but I don't care. YES, I counted how many people told me Happy Birthday on my facebook wall. So what? You know you have thought about it. Honestly, it was incredibly humbling. I found myself growing more and more thankful as the e-mails came in. I have been thinking about it for days, and want to devote all of my time to returning such great friendship like I received on my Birthday. I couldn't be any happier in life right now, and all of it is due to the wonderful friends that surround me. Being away from my family and life-long friends is hard, but I can't say enough how thankful I am to have such ballerific friends here in Austin! This is the "Summer of the Single Ladies" and we're not gonna mess around.

True Life: My little Sissy just told me that she and her ex-bf were now "friends with bens"....

I'm totally stealing that.

Over-Sharer

Right at the peak of a 3-person mustache party, I had one of the greatest heart-2-hearts ever. We played a game of questions... NOT "The Guessing Game" (that's a totally different story) and the question was, "What is one thing you would change about yourself?" If you're imagining a sappy scene where you get somewhat emotional, and actually feel closer to your, also very intoxicated, friends.... you're right on the money. I think there was even a candle involved.

Anyways, enough about love, and onto hardcore character-flaw questions. I've thought about it, and obviously.... my problem is over-sharing. You reading this is pure proof of that. Do you really give a shit about a mustache party? Or a sweet little kitty? What about my mad cooking skills, and ridiculously useless facts? No, surely not. Luckily, I have my Mom and 13 followers.

(And yes, that last sentence was, in fact, a reverse-psychology marketing ploy. JC, there's GOT to be more than 13 of you little assholes! Still dreamin' of a book with my name on it.)

Wittle Kitty

Okay, I have a confession to make. I think I want a Wittle Kitty. I have spent my entire life HATING cats.... but it was when I met little Maddi Bear that I knew I could love a Persian kitty. This is a totally different animal to me. I must just HATE domestic short haired cats. She makes me melt at first sight. She looks like she is on a cartoon, and I want to cuddle and love her forever. I think it would be easier than a puppy, which we all know that I cannot handle. ***Love you, Luscious Constantine III & Walter Maxey***

So, anyways, I did a ton of research/shopping on kitties for like 7 hours one day. I layed on Shara's bed, and surfed the web for Persians until my arms were asleep. People were beginning to tell me to get a grip on myself. I.WANT.ONE.RIGHT.NOW! When Jess' phone rang, I answered it on speaker since I was stationed by the wall plugs, geeking out like a War Craft loser over eff'ing kitties!?! I pretended as if I were Jess, and the guy asked, "What are you doing?" Trying not to laugh uncontrollably, I knew that this could become an awesome conversation. I very calmly let him know that I was "surfin' the web for cute Wittle Kitty pictures all day."

Luckily, no one in the Austin, San Antonio, Houston, or DFW area had a decent kitty for me that Sunday, because Shara and I were rootin' for a road-trip. Just like the above mentioned puppies, I have been known to get urges like this before. I have a shitty track record with pets, except for rasing a prize hog. ***Love you, Buford***

I got over it as soon as I saw all of the hair on Maddi Bear's Mommy's black jacket though. Love u Moe :) You still look smokin' hott with Kitty hair on you. (I can't stop, I'm an over-sharer) So, the moral of the story is; Look how eff'ing cute this Wittle Kitty is.

The Carstache

These people are amazing. I want to meet the fools who came up with this. Not only because it's awesome, and I want the Ginger-stache, but ALSO because they have an amazing mission statement, and pretty legit business know-how. The website is great! Be sure to check out their story, and blog. FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!

CARSTACHE.COM

You can find me at The Greening Law Firm, P.C...... doin' work.

There aren't even words to describe how freakin' excited I am about my new job. Things are crazy, and they have happened pretty damn fast and unexpectedly, but I'm more ready than ever. I do my best in challenging situations, and this, my 10 followers, is a challenge. I am super amped about grabbing this opportunity by the horns and kicking ass.

You can find me at The Greening Law Firm, P.C...... doin' work.

Swan's History Class: April 14th

Today is McDonald's 55th Birthday, and tonight.... 98 years ago.... the Titanic sank. Or is it sunk? Whatever, anyways... about 24 years ago Saturday, my mom's water broke. Happy Birthday, me!!! (Technically Sunday, since I didn't show up til after midnight :)

I would never cheat on my iPhone like that!

I got a watch for my birthday in an attempt to delay my boss seeing the bright blue bird on my wrist.... Should be pretty awesome when I'm dropping my kids off at soccer practice. I have worn the watch for almost a week now, and looked at it constantly. This is maybe the third watch I have EVER owned, so it's new to me. As I sat here tonight on my patio, watching the beautiful MK hands tick... I realized that I have never once looked at the watch for a time reference. I have looked at it in awe, I have looked at it for a scratch check, I have looked at it to reassure that I chose the right one, and I have even looked at it just for the sake of looking at my watch. But I swear I have NEVER looked at it to see what time it was. I would never cheat on my iPhone like that!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Does anyone else realize that there is a shit ton of people with April birthdays??? Check out the stats. wow. What is so special about July that causes people to make extra babies that month?

True Life.

Apparently, fried chicken is the new bread? Sick.

The Allygator

After turning 15, the main thing that was on my mind was getting a car. I was at the prime of my teenage rebellion, and for some odd reason, I thought that adding 2 tons of metal and speeds excessing 80 mph would make my life better. I couldn't wait to get my permit, and luckily my parents let me do the "at-home" driver's ed. They never made me read a single paragraph, and often supported their lack of instruction by saying, "It's okay, she's been driving 4-wheelers, and a golf cart her whole life." AWESOME!

I wasn't sure when they were gonna bust out with the new whip, so I made sure that they knew the guidelines before hand. 1. Every girl I know has a mustang, so I DO NOT WANT A MUSTANG. 2. ALL I WANT IS A BUG! Lime. Green. Bug. Period. There were no other options, I knew it was meant to be, and I even started crafting kick-ass flower arrangements to put in my bug-vase. One day, my mom came home and essentially suggested that she had a surprise in the driveway for me, that was green with wheels. I ran outside, and found a toy lime green bug on the ground. I was pissed. Months passed, and my parents weren't pulling through on the car. I began to get worried. I'm about to get my license, my grades are top notch, and they have no idea that I spend my weekends drinking excessively and experimenting with drugs.... so what's the freakin' hold up???

It was a Saturday night, and I couldn't wait to hit the town. I always had to struggle to find someone who would come pick me up from the Maxey Farm in BFE, so I began to get ready and look for a ride. All of the sudden, my mom burst into my room with a flash of fury. I had no idea what she was raging on me about, typical for 2002, but there was no reasoning with her. I was NOT going out, NOT even for a little bit, and I needed to go to BED! Bed??? WTF? This is when I knew something was up. My mom hadn't told me to go to bed in years, and was treating me like shit for no reason. Usually that was a result of me and my "hormonal-teen-years", so I cried myself to sleep in confusion.

At 2:00am that night, a group of people burst into my room. They blindfolded me, tied me up, and carried me to my mom's car. They were laughing and eff'ing with me the entire time, and boasting about how they were taping this whole scene. I was so confused, and upset. Crying, I asked everyone WHY they were doing this to me, and they said it was because I had been such a bitch lately. Wow. They informed me that they would be taking me to "The Pet Cemetery", yes, you heard me, a pet cemetery. The car stopped, and they dragged me out, kicking and screaming, and sat me down in......

MY NEW CAR! What a trickster my mom is! I scream in excitement, and rip off my blindfold. What do I see in front of my face, but a shiny eff'ing Mustang on the steering wheel. You've GOT to be kidding me! I glance over the hood to see the color. Green. Okay, I like green. Breathe. Woo-sahhhhhh Allyson, woo-sah. Yes, I was a total brat, unappreciative, and ridiculous, I know. I was 15, geez. I look around the ride, cloth seats, definitely gonna be hard to hide the cig smoke smell, but I can work with that. I noticed that there was no CD player and asked, "Does anyone have any cassette tapes?" My Mom should have slapped me, but luckily she was too busy getting all of this on camera.

Despite my bitching, I was still so thankful to have a car. FREEDOM! In typical Allyson-over-the-top style, I covered that car in flare before the sun came up. I had green beads on the rear view, and a hand-full of Lady Pirate Sports, and trashy country music stickers on the back. I decided I would name him "The Allygator", and adorned him with some stuffed alligators in the back, an alligator wheel cover, and I even stuck a Ginger-Barbie-Head on my antenna. True life.

I drove THE shit out of that car. I took it mudding, I spinned it in circles, and I punched about 7 holes in my styrofoam bumper, which all mysteriously took the shape of a ball hitch. Weird. I scratched it, other people scratched it, I dinged my doors, I ravaged the under-carriage, I abused the pedals, and I even threw some sick ass screw-loosening speakers in there, so Lubbock haha. The car was ready to go for the big B-day, and so was I. I had it in my head that I was going to wear a tube-top for my license picture so I looked naked. It worked. Waving goodbye to my Mom, and pulling out of the DPS, I became a new woman. I lit up a cig, and kicked off the first day of the rest of my life. All day, I couldn't wait to drive after school. All my other friends, already driving, made plans to meet me after school and watched me leave the parking lot in The Allygator. I buckled my seatbelt, and put the shoulder strap under my arm so I could feel cooler for looking like I wasn't really wearing it. This looks suspicious to the State Trooper sitting on Woodrow road, so yes, he pulls me over on my 16th birthday. I explain that I did, in fact, have my seatbelt on, and he let me go. I continue on. I head down Indiana at 50 mph.... the speed limit is 40 mph. Yessssssssss..... I get pulled over for the SECOND time on my 16th birthday. My friends all pass by at this point freaking out with laughter. Luckily, I cried my little birthday ass out of it, and head on to my friend's house. Holy cow, how does that even happen to someone?

I grew to love The Allygator, and he did me well over the course of about a year and a half. This was all until I realized that Mustangs are basically made out of aluminum foil. It was a hot Summer day, and also the 3rd time I had ever tried the Devil's Lettuce. Mary Jane. Krypto-chrono-konolike. Pot, Mom! I had just left a pool party, where I was tossed into the pool in my jeans. My jeans were in the back seat, and I was wearing boy-shorts and a tank top. AWESOME! I was on a residential street, oddly enough the same street that my rent-house in Lubbock is on, Elgin. The Pizza Hut delivery Exploder in front of me turned on his right blinker, and began to go right. I sped around him just as he changed his mind and decided to go left. BAYUMM! It was slow-mo craziness. I walked around the wreckage and yelled obsenities for 45 seconds before I remembered that I was in my panties. The situation grew shittier and shittier by the second. As I go to my back seat to grab my wet jeans, I see the 30 pack of Keystone Light that I had also forgotten about. I call my friend who lives down the street, and prepare for all that can go terribly wrong with this situation.

1. Have you ever tried to put wet jeans on?

2. The cop showed up in record timing.

3. A 30-pack does not fit easily into a back-pack.

4. This cop does not like my distraction-tactic jokes.

5. My hood just stayed attached to the Exploder when the tow-truck pulled them apart.

Wow. I was missing a hood, bumper, and one front fender. I studied the damage and insisted to the cop that I could still drive home. Not happening. I called my Dad, and the next 2 weeks of my life sucked terribly. Sometimes..... I really do miss that piece.

Nothing kicks off my work week like some Lil Wayne blasting from my speakers. Something about profanities and excessive bass screams professionalism to me.

Okay, so.... you know how sometimes, when you try to access something unsecure on the internet, it will prompt you to "re-type the words shown above"??? It happens to me when I am trying to post pictures or links on a site, which is like 400 million times a day. It looks like Microsoft WordArt mixed with a Mossimo shirt.

Anyways, it's usually two completely unrelated words, and also usually very uncommon words. Recently, though, I feel like the words have become more relatable. They are easier to recognize, more likely to be paired up. Hmmmm, weird. Today my words were "to compton". I liked it.

"I play REAL sports... I'm not tryin' to be the best at working out."

-Kenny Powers

Handbook to Life

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts over things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. Be grateful for what you have been given.
18. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
21. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away (like algebra class) but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

24. Call your family often.
25. Each day give something good to others.
26. Forgive.
27. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. God heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
38. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

I'm all about new age stuff, but seeing, "Text PREG to 56744", is NOT something I want to see advertised on television.

Scarface School Play

You HAVE to watch this!

Okay, you're a Goon, what's a Goon to a Goblin?

Don't forget about your true friends. Write Lil' Wayne a letter!

Eric M. Taylor Center (EMTC)

Dwayne Carter NYSID# 02616544L
10-10 Hazen Street
East Elmhurst, NY 11370

Check out Weezy's First letter from jail.

Relentless

I feel like I keep talking about douche-bags at the gym, but HOLY COW!!! It's like a curse or something... they surround us! My new gym, as of a month ago, is ridiculously awesome. It's brand new, smells like fresh rubber, and has a flat-screen in every square 2 feet. I'm more of a music person, but feel much stronger and faster next to pure LCD. It's LEGIT, for sure. Exceeeeeeeeppptttt.... for this Russian douche bag! He is out of control! At least 3 hours of intense work-out a day, and another 3 hours down there talking your freaking ear off. RELENTLESS! My roomie made the mistake of being too friendly initially, and now he won't let her do anything down there. The most ridiculous part is that last week, he even felt so comfortable as to tell her that her arms were flabby. He gave her some exercise tips, and she somehow sat through it. This is where we are different. I would have verbally assaulted his ass!

As I was laying by the pool last weekend with some friends, he ended his work-out with some time in the sun. He circled the pool, and checked out the scenery for a good 4 minutes, never removing his intense headphones. He chose a lay-out chair in the water, and prepared for show off. Though he was spreading his towel along a chair by us.... he walked over to a separate chair (directly in the viewing line of everyone at the pool). This is where he would disrobe. He faced away from us, and muscled off his beater with the classic arm-cross style, basically flexing every single muscle in his back. It felt like one of those body builder competitions. This is when I notice how incredibly top heavy this fool is. Do some legs, bra! He is still wrestling with his wife beater.... it's taking almost a minute. Geez! Now that the shirt is off, he can put his headphones back on, BUT it is not time to leave the stage yet. After a mandatory 2 minute session of back, oblique and arm stretches, he retires to his lounge chair. Luckily, there is a fountain between us and him, so I get a chance to explain to my friends what a dick he was with the "flabby arms" comment last week. 15 minutes later he was doing ab exercises ON his lounge chair IN the pool. The man is DILIGENT, I give him that much. But please, sir, keep to yourself during MY work-out time. Thanks.

I could eat almonds until the cows come home!

Okay, obviously, this isn't my picture.... I am using it to give you an idea of what went on in my car for approximately 25 minutes after I purchased a CAR STICKY PAD!!! Holy Hotdogs! These things are incredible! I don't know if they're made out of Flubber or what, but they freakin' work. You can literally "hang" something from your dashboard just by setting it on a sticky pad. Vertical surface? No problem! All my days of fumbling shit around my car are over. I might even use one to hang something on the wall in my apartment!

Thank you, BLev, for the tip!

SUP'ing, Stand Up Paddling :)

After running at Town Lake this morning, I was by myself, done with my lunges, waiting for Kelli to run a freakin' marathon route, and watching the SUP'ers. I have been seeing them for weeks now, and wanting to do it so bad. So, today, I buried my fear of water, and signed up. COOLEST thing I have ever done! Though I was scared at first, it really isn't that hard. You hafta stay balanced, of course, but it's like riding a bike after that. I soon master the speed paddle, the spin-turn, and even did a little moving around on my board. In 45 minutes, I paddled like 2 miles, and had the time of my life! I started to head back, and feel the kick-ass arm and oblique work-out I was getting. The sun was on my Ginger skin, and I felt like a million bucks. As I stopped to soak in all that is my awesome Saturday, just before I pulled back into dock..... BAYUM! Imbalance hit me like a ton of bricks! The water was chilly, so I had my ass right back up in no time. My work-out gear was no match for the lake, and my wife-beater quickly sank to my knees with all of 20 pounds. I paddled back to shore, walked bare-footed back to the car, met Kelli, and was still over-come with happiness. We went to my fave place, Galaxy Cafe, and I was so soaking wet and cold! But I don't care! I LOVE SUP'ing!!!

Here is the only downfall; Town Lake is riddled with diseases and disgustingness. I CANNOT fall in that lake again! Anyone who hears you went into that lake automatically goes, "Ewwww, gross, you're gonna get sick!" GREAT! I love hearing that. I went immediately into a chlorine pool just to be safe. This won't stop me from SUP'ing again, though! You can find me there, next Saturday :)

Gordon Hayward is a little cutie patootie! Pullin for the underdog! BUTLER all the way!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

OMG! Please watch what Ellen did today! Ellen meets 007 crazy aerialist.

Click here to watch this video, Mom!

I couldn't be ANY happier!

I'm callin' your bluff, ma'am.

So, im sitting on the Little Woodrow's patio with some friends, and a Begger lady comes up. She is huge, homeless, and her T-shirt says "America's Next Top Model". She has tons of shit in her hands, some of which is pieces of pepperoni pizza. She hands us a card with some handwriting on it, and grubs on that pizza... staring.
"I am deaf. I cannot hear you. Please give me a donation so I can help my deaf family."
Call me evil, but I don't give a shit, and am absolutely positive that you are full of it! We deny, hand her back the card, and she moves onto the next table. She leans over the railing and hands them the card. There's more of them, but don't worry she has more cards! Under the pizza, and the Nokia that has "Snake" on it, she locates the back-up cards, and hands them out with marinara on her fingers. I knew this would be good judging by the ridiculousness that this table had displayed earlier. We start to banter and yell and call her bluff. As she is trying to play pictionary with 6 drunk tards, Bill yells, "You're not deaf!" She TOTALLY heard him and looked right at him! Bayum! Gotchya!
Wait! The drunk blonde says she knows sign language! We wait anxiously to see if we can realllllly bust her. They start doing some crazy stuff back and forth, people are yelling, laughing, all of which while America's Next Top Model juggles pizza crust and index cards. As we were hootin' and hollerin' the blonde stands up and screams at us, "Shut up! I can't hear!" ha! Really? It was awesome! The blonde girl gives her a dollar and she scampers. Translated, it was the blonde introducing herself, and then homegirl repeating the blonde's name back to her. "WTF?", I think to myself. Apparently, (according the Plastered Barbie) this is customary for sign-introduction, but she still never revealed her own name.
When we asked the girl why she thought homegirl deserved the bill, she said because she respected the fact that she spoke to her, and the lady communicated back. Pssschhh, it was such a joke! I asked, "So, since I can communicate back to you right now, can I have a dollar?"
Either way, it was thoroughly entertaining! I wonder how you sign in Chinese? Or Spanish? Is it different?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Ultimate Fighter was awesome tonight! BUT all I really care about seeing is the finalē!!!

The Ice Man will prevail!

March 31, 2010

HAPPY NATIONAL

BUNSEN BURNER DAY!

Nothing can brighten up my day like some good ole' video-chatting with my Sissy and my Mom, and Johnny Blaze :)

My favorite part about cooking is that I can do whatever I want! I control my own destiny. I am what you can call a "go with the flow" cooker. I don't follow any rules, or recipes, I go with my gut, and create magic. Of course, I have had some bad turn-outs, some upset tummies, and some unruly rioters, but all in all.... I'm pretty much Betty Crocker. If I had endless money, it would be insane, but unfortunately cooking is an expensive hobby. I LOVE to cook for people, and try to host fabulous meals. For some reason, it makes my day to feed friends.

One of my new cooking projects has been what some of us like to call a "LOST" dinner. I am a Lostie. Call it queer if u must, but the show is intriguing. Every Tuesday night we gather and eat an Island meal, meaning a meal comprised of only things that could be found on an island. It's fun, and healthy :) Last week I made lemon-garlic Tilapia, on a bed of greens, feta, green onions, and balsamic vinagarette, topped with caramelized red peppers and onions. Also with lemon-baked asparagus, and fresh fruit. IT. WAS. LEGIT! Thank God! I was so thankful when it came out okay. Not only did I forget a few of my ingredients, I also made some other KEY mistakes in my cooking game that night. 1. I just didn't fully prepare. I was cooking at someone else's house, and that can be frustrating when you don't know your way around. 2. I forgot my favorite special olive oil, and my secret seasoning. F! 3. As I opened the jar of minced Garlic that I brought, I knew immediately that the smell was off. I get a waft, and realize that I had somehow, sometime, switched the lids on my garlic, and my ginger! Bad move! Luckily, Kelli had some Garlic, so the plan went on. With garlic and lemon juice, nothing can go wrong. 4. Even though I made it through mistake #3, I must have been feeling a little frisky, because I decided to go ahead and toss some of that Ginger in there anyways, just to see what happens. "Go with the flow" 5. I let my nerves get to me. It was my first time cooking for 3 of my guests, and I really wanted to make a good impression.

With no outline, no rules, and no recipe, my dinner ended up being pretty awesome! That's what REAL cooking is, it's CREATING! Okay, that was queer. goodnight.

Loving Life in Austin, Texas :)

Hiking down the Greenbelt, heading towards something awesome :)

Sculpture Falls... sunning and people watching :)

UFC 111

So, last night was the fight! I was pretty pumped, but not enough to buy it for $40, so I stayed ontop of the updates, and came home to watch it this morning. First off, I wanna say that I realy thought Frank Mir was gonna do something better. Carwin has been widely publicized due to the fact that he has KO'ed in the FIRST round of all of his fights. Despite the fact that an Interim belt is pretty lame, I thought for sure Mir would give this kid a run for his money. BUT, it didn't happen. This kid is pretty good, and he proved that last night. How he didn't get taken to the ground and tapped out, I don't know, but he did a damn good job of making Frank Mir's big ass look like a NANCY!

Ahhhhh, now..... to my BOO's fight. George St Pierre... freakin' bad ass. Of course I knew he was not going to let Dan Hardy take that belt away form him, I just kinda wished he would have knocked his ass out! There was five rounds of some pretty good ground-n-pound (that's douche-bag Joe Rogan talk), and it looked like Hardy was gonna tap out in the 4th round, when GSP did his sexy little Kamura :) Anyways, the fight was great, my man won unanimously, TOLD YA!!!!

I tried something new this weekend. I DID NOT go out! I know, I know, how can that be!?! Well, it's pretty fun. By not going out and getting shit faced all weekend, I opened up a whole new world of possibilities. I did more physical activity before Saturday than I had done all week. It was great! I was out of bed, and ready to rock by 10 am every morning, and I didn't feel like death! Phone? Check! Keys? Check! I knew where my debit card was, and I never had to pay an egotistical foreign cab driver. I didn't eat late-nite death food, and I don't have 16 unwarranted charges on my bank account. I didn't black-out, and I didn't embarrass myself by performing a Beyonce routine in front of dozens of people. I have all of my belongings in my possession, all of my friends are in tact, and I didn't risk anyone's life by putting myself behind the wheel. There are no phone calls or texts on my phone past midnight, and no ridiculous status updates either. No douche-bags were roasted, and no guy was given my little sister's phone number so he would walk away. My feet don't hurt, there is not make-up all over my face, and I didn't have to try on everything in my closet before I left the house. The greatest part is.... it's only Sunday people!!!! Do yourself a favor, and go do something. Forget facebook, the lamest Sweet 16 ever, and air conditioning. Go outside. Sweat. Have fun. Wear sunscreen!

What an AMAZING day to be in Austin! Morning run at Town Lake, brunch at Galaxy Cafe, an afternoon of hiking the greenbelt and playing in the water.... Now laying poolside with good friends and some beautiful rays. Keeping my Ginger skin safe, no worries :) can't wait for dinner and a movie with the girls! Life is F'ing awesome!


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AHHHHH!!! So excited! Tomorrow is my last day of working where I work. That's not really what I am so excited about.... I will miss my co-workers.... but what I'm excited about is the party! We are going to a really great place and DYSFUNKSHUN JUNKSHUN is playing! I freakin' love them! I am ready to have a good send off, and jam out with my favorite ladies! New paths, and a brighter future :)

Swan Dives Part I

I recently discovered that Food Network doesn't know what they are talking about. Sure, I love your shows, and IronChef America is my jam.... But where do they get off saying where the best tacos in America are? NOT at TacoTaco, Sir! Seriously, with all of the resources at Food Network's fingertips, you would think they'd try and recommend a place that would at least pass a food inspection. Anyways, my point is, if Food Network can get away with naming bullshit awards to places like that, then I can damn sure give some pretty official awards myself! I think this calls for a new series! Swan Dives, is here people, and I'm not gonna mess around. I like to eat good food, and I like to talk about it.

I'm gonna go ahead and kick things off right, with one of my absolute FAVES!

GALAXY CAFE

This place is the bomb.com! Not only do they have ridiculously cool T-shirts, but their food is off the charts! Chicken salad with the perfect combination of walnuts and grapes can do wonders to me. Dinner specials, breakfast schmorgusbord, OUT OF THIS WORLD MASHED SWEET POTATOES, and the best club wrap in town.... the Milky Way has nothing on Galaxy Cafe! Hopefully someone from the Food Network will go check it out, and probably die of delight.

Today, I experienced 2 very horrifying things

First, some of my friends introduced me to ChatRoulette. Holy shit! What has this F'ed up world come to? No child should be let ANYWHERE near a web cam! On ChatRoulette.com, you can virtually start a random video-chat with someone from anywhere across the world! It has the potential to be really cool, but unfortunately we live in a world with some serious sick-o's. You shuffle through random people, looking for someone fun to chat with. Approximately 70% of the people that I got "shuffled" to were Pervy McPervertons, and all X-rated. As you click next, the new chat pops up and surprises you, be prepared. Most of the creepers are not showing their faces, more so disgusting actions, and extremities. It's awful! Nothing was funnier than when 3 teenage girls popped up on my screen and their faces were covered with horror from what they had seen before they skipped to me. It was hilarious! Despite all of the creepy losers, we did meet some normal people. It's such a releiving feeling whenever you see someone "normal" pop up on your screen. I have no desire to do it again, but I'm glad I got to experience what everyone is raving about.

Second, I watched the movie "Precious". I have never had any desire to watch it, obviously, and I only did it because my friends were over, and they wanted to watch it. I knew that I would be sitting here, typing my little heart out, throughout whatever movie they picked anyways. As we sat on the couch, and listened to Anthony read the movie Description aloud, I couldn't help but gasp in disbelief! The first sentence states that poor 600 lb. Precious gets impregnated by her father, unwillingly of course, TWICE! Holy cow! Who wants to watch that? Immediately upset about having to see this, I do my best to keep my eyes on the computer, and focus on my blog. That was impossible, however, since the first scene of the movie was Precious getting raped by her disgusting father. It is one of the saddest, most horrible, sick & twisted movies I have ever seen. I cried later in the movie just because it was so screwed up. Why don't they make good movies anymore?

The Ginger Invasion is upon us!

Boot Camp

This is what I felt like today as I was working out in the rain. Though hesitant at first, I am so glad I went through with it. I felt like a freakin' champion! Running was easier, the air was cooler, and laying down on my yoga-mat soaked in rain and grass was incredibly refreshing.

THISSSSSSSS

ISSSSS

SPARTAAAAAAAA!

Hasta Luego

The economy is eating college graduates for breakfast. It' ridiculous. I have just recently found a great job, and I am UBER excited about it! BUT it was a looooong row to hoe, people! I went to more interviews than Donald Trump last year. Interviews don't scare ME though, I can totally rock one out. Nothing feels greater than walking out of an interview knowing that you kicked ass in there. By the same token, it feels pretty terrible when you find out you didn't get the job. I made it through 3 rounds at Whole Foods last Winter, and I was on top of the world!!! I got myself so pumped up about working for an Austin based company whose named appeared in Forbes Magazine as a straight baller. Working there would be incredible. Being the over-sharer that I am, I told some friends about my possible opportunity, and got some pretty good feedback. Someone even told me that Whole Foods had employee-hippie-retreats every Summer in Colorado.... need I say more? So you would understand why I was so upset to learn that I came in 2nd, for a KICK-ASS job!

Early last Summer I saw an ad in the paper for a Personal Banker. I was a teller at Wells Fargo when I was 18, and I'm pretty good with money..... okay I am terrible with money, but I do like it. So what the heck, right? I went in, SCHOOLED about 20 people in a math test, and went on to the interview. The lady who interviewed me was one of 3 interviewers, and I couldn't have gotten a better one! She looked straight outta Odessa, Texas. (That's more make-up, hairspray & rhinestones than Lubbock women, for those of you who aren't familiar.) Turns out, she enjoyed spending her free time painting and decorating for her friends. She ate me up! In a good way. She hired me as a Personal Banker, and told me to add a blazer & panty-hose to my work-attire on my way out. Shit!

I had to do training for like 2 months at the downtown branch on Congress. It was a series of computer training classes, it sucked. I managed to skip a little bit of the classes, and work my charm on a nerdy instructor. (who happened to ALSO rip cigs on the roof during break time so we hit it off well.) One time I even left and toured the Capitol like the tourist that I am. It came time to go to the branch, and have a DESK! Finally! I got stationed at Highland Mall, which happens to be the "Ghetto-Stabbing-Mall", as I was told from an Austonian. Perfect! I get there, get my desk, and my first desk-top name-plate. It was glorious. I soon learned that there was nothing to do, because the mall was dying and only had half of the stores occupied. There was a smoothie place that I pretty much supported, and a REALLY AWESOME under-ground sneaker shop. My job was to go out and "get customers" as much as I could, so I spent most... all of my time out "getting customers". We could even leave the mall as long as we got signatures from 3 people at the business. By the grace of God, the near by Chili's Bartender served 2 years for forgery.

Sometimes though, I did feel like doing some work. I enjoyed leading the team meetings, being in charge of all decorating and organization. I also took charge of all print work and signage. That kind of stuff floats my boat, and so does working with people. The thing was...... this was IBC bank. THE BANK OF MEXICO. One of the main reasons I got the job was because I told them that I could speak fluent Spanish. I cannot speak fluent Spanish. The training was all good, but when it came time for me to talk to a customer I was screwed. Answering the phone was like a scary game of roulette for me. IBC bank wasn't cool with that. They also wanted me to work weekends right in the prime of my first Summer in Austin. No way Jose! You better believe I peaced out of that place with my desk-top name-plate in hand and a smile on my face!!!! Hasta Luego!!!

GSP

There's no sexier quality in a man than the ability to beat some ass.... and of all the great ass-beaters.... George St Pierre might be the hottest! Not only is he doing a damn good job of holding down his UFC title right now, he has also shown his positive character in the Ultimate Fighter TV show. Be sure and watch him work Dan Hardy this weekend :)

Weekend Domination = Body Devastation!!! Feeling so close to the verge of death at bootcamp this Monday, I think I am finally at the point where I am ready to quit smoking. I don't know exactly how I'm going to approach it yet, but I'm there.

Drinking Smart

Mustache Party

As I have discussed before, I have an impulsive-purchasing-disorder, which I am not proud of. For me, the weekly grocery store trip quickly turns into a Pescaterian-crazed-Rachel Ray fantasy, with middle aged women mad-doggin' me as I block the aisles, looking up recipes on any one of my awesome recipe apps. (See; Can I Marry my iPhone!?! Part III) Cooking is my jam, so it's no surprise that my #1 FAVE compulsive purchase was my 3am Slap Chop 2 buy! An amazing tool, and often the highlight of my evening; the Slap Chop has dramatically changed my life. (Despite the fact that I didn't even receive my bendy-sweet-rubber-cutting boards, with handles!)

Well, now that I went on a short tangent.... let me get back to the issue at hand; my #2 FAVE compulsive purchase; the MUSTACHE PARTY! It all started last Summer, when I went to Nacagdoches for a "Stash Bash". It was insane, that town is insane, I plan to write a separate, and lengthy blog about the party crazed maniacs, and playboy cheerleaders that roam the SFA campus. Since the Stash Bash was around the same time my SFA friend was graduating, I decided I need to bring a gift for him. So one night, in an Insomnia driven internet binge, I quickly realized that what I needed to buy him was as many fake mustaches as I could find. I murdered every search engine like my life depended on it. By the grace of God, I somehow stumbled upon an ebay deal that seemed too good to be true. I had two choices; 1. Take the safe route and buy the ones that seem legit. Though I will get much fewer mustaches for my money on this deal, it seems to be the going rate for these babies. Option 2. Buy the shady mustache mountain galore, with an undecipherable Japanese description. Is it a scam-buy? Shit... Japan, or whatever language that is... that's pretty far... I wonder how long they will take to arrive? BUT, of course, I would much rather show up with more mustaches than you could imagine, as well as make sure and have enough to party with for the next few years..... I bought a few hundred mustaches that day. Unfortunately, they came in AFTER the Stash Bash in Nacagdoches, but they came.... holy crap.... they came! I got a box of fake mustaches that could stock up a Mr. Gatti's prize store for a decade. Freakin' awesome! Over the past 7 months, I have busted them out a few times, forgotten about them, given a ton away as gifts, and even tried a few on... nothing too serious, but always a crowd pleaser.

This weekend,however, changed all that. I finally had my mustache party! Some friends and I finally got crunk enough to put them to real use. As I busted out one package of mustaches, we quickly battled for the coolest stash-style based upon shape, size, and nick name. The mustache names are one of the best parts about them. Miles immediately jumped all over "The Casanova", and and Kelli went for "The Rogue". In my head I thought, "What the hell does rogue mean, Hitler?" Cass picked up "The Smarty" as a unibrow, and then decided it looked better on Allie, the dog. I went with "The Scoundrel" (handlebars, duh!) for my stash, and cut a Casanova in half for some pretty wicked eye-brows.... "The Casanova Cut". The photo shoot that occurred during this Mustache Party was insane in the membrane. Some photos, I pray never surface, but here is a pretty dang good one for you to see.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....
NO!!! I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN YOUR EFFIN' MAFIA!

Today I met someone with an astonishing outlook on life. I am still in shock over the beliefs of this man, so I am going to share it with my 6, possibly 7 now, followers :)

He is "not a fan of fanaticism" if that makes any sense??? He is opposed to TEAM sports, and the fact that people (FANS) attach themselves to "their" team with such intensity. I meant to ask him if he approved of individual sports, such as Golf, but couldn't get any words out at the time. He told me that he hates the way people "boast" after their team wins a game, and the way that people get so serious about sports that they are not even participating in. He does not agree with someone becoming a hardcore college sports fan just because they pay that school for an education. WTF!?! I bleed Texas Tech Football, so I began to get a little upset. By this point you have realized that yes, this is a MAN I am talking about. A man who doesn't like team sports??? It is ridiculous!

I just don't get it. You can feel strongly about hating snakes, or Asians, or going to the mall.... but how can someone (especially a man) feel so strongly against Fanaticism? Were you on the C Team in Jr. High? A band member? A waterboy? or do you genuinely feel that it is unhealthy for people to be Fans?

In an attempt to argue with a man I have just met, who also happens to be a higher-up at my NEW job which I haven't even started yet............ bad idea much?............. I proceed to explain to him that I was born and raised a Texas Tech Red Raider fan, which led me to go to school there. I do not have a F'in Double-T tattooed on the inside of my mouth just because I got a degree or three there..... I told him that I write about Texas Tech sports a lot, and he quickly realized just who he was messing with. With my GUNS UP, I told him that I just didn't understand his opinions and that I think it's pretty flabbergasting.

I don't hate, or judge, (unless you are a complete retard begging for haters), and like I always say, "Whatever floats your boat!" His wife must love NOT watching ESPN, and Sports Center on a 30 minute loop! But seriously....

Fiddler on the Roof

At my Highschool, we had to do this "thing" called a Senior Project. This was a YEAR long project, in which students had to choose a major topic, and study it for one semester, write a 20 page hard-core paper, and then spend the second semester with a mentor, and complete a large-scale project and presentation of what you have learned. For example, someone might choose "repainting a car", and then they study it, write a paper, find a mentor, and complete a car-painting project. People learned Yoga, Photography, and even how to build a deer-blind! Seems gay, because it is, but it was serious business at Lubbock Cooper! If you didn't pass the Senior Project, you weren't graduating. No bullshit! I saw it happen the year before us, which is why I picked something really special that I thought I could learn easily:

I chose to learn how to play the FIDDLE! Yes, the F'ing fiddle! What was I thinking? The truth is, I was thinking of starting a band of some sorts. My best friend was going to choose "playing the banjo", and we were searching for a singer, and a Harmonica player. Though it came as no surprise, I ended up being the only one who went through with the plan, and I was fine with it. As long as it was weird and nobody else was doing it, I was in! My grandmother had an OLD fiddle that she gave me, and I quickly began dreaming of how far Fiddle Playing could take me in life. I could play for the Dixie Chix, or maybe even THE BOSS!!! Did you know that he LOVES Gingers? Check this out! Anyways, I signed up, and as my mission statement for the year I put, "To play 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' at my final presentation". Wow! That'a a huge Mission statement, but I didn't care!

So, the first half of the project came along, and I began researching Western Swing music. This is what I wrote my research paper about, so boring, and lame, barf! Anyways, I kicked ass at the paper, duh! I was ready to start fiddlin'! I got a reputable mentor that my Mom found, who knew Lubbock had a famous Fiddler? We met right off the bat, and it went pretty well. He told me that my fiddle was as old as crap, and that it needed some serious repairs. Just great, 3 less weeks of Fiddling! How am I ever gonna get my name out there now? My first real lesson went fantastically! I learned how to hold it, and what the notes were, kindof! I felt so cool!

I have never had any sort of musical capabilities... EVER! I broke my plastic flute in the 5th grade because I wanted to smash it rather than learn to play some gay flute. I NEVER chose band over art in Jr. High, and I damn sure didn't join that shit in highschool. No Thankyou! I cannot sing, or play anything, and I don't know what a tune or a melody is even about. I only know those vocab words from American Idol anyways! So learning an instrument at the age of 17 quickly began to seem like quite the challenge. I soon lost hope, and realized that fiddling was pretty hard. I quit going to meet with my mentor, and I never practiced because my whole family was tired of hearing me suck.

It finally came down to it. D Day. Presentation time. You better believe that my actual "presentation" (as in my poster board and pictures) was the bomb.com! I worked the poster board. There was kids bringing in deer blinds, and shitty posters everywhere. I began to get nervous. I pull out my fiddle and prepare what I am going to play for my panel of 4 teachers and one civilian. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"??? NO! I was playing this thing, I think it's called a scale. It's about 10 notes, and they go from bottom to top, i think. Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah.... Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah. Yep! That's what I learned! All of the sudden, I bust a freaking string! You have got to be kidding me. Just before I start to cry and freak out, I realize that this could be a good thing. Surely you cant play any bad-ass fiddle songs without your G-string, right? Awesome!

I make my way into the evaluation room, and I immediately feel better. I got one football coach, one Ag teacher, one teacher that taught on the Mayflower, and an easily-charmed civilian man! This is gonna be okay! I let them know about the tragic loss of my string just before I entered the room, and I get immediate compassion! This is great, because I was nervous about how they would react to the next part of my presentation: the Video. We had to take a video/scrapbook documenting the semester and "learning" with our mentor. This was hard since I had only met with my mentor a few times, despite the fact that my "learning log" had about 60 documented hours of "learning"! In a last minute scramble to create my video, my mom got out the camera and a stack of T-shirts from my room. She told me to start out being really crappy, and work my way up to being better (pretty freaking hard to do when you can only make 10 noises, noises that sound like a dying cat). As we kept changing my shirt and hair-do, I tried my hardest to make the video seem as though it documented a few months of "learning".

My mom and I worked hard to make sure my video was legit , or at least appeared to be legit. So you can imagine my astonishment when I realized just how UN-legit the video was, right alongside my evaulation group. There was no date on the video, and I looked completely different from fake-day to fake-day..... BUT!!! The same EXACT episode of Seinfeld was on in the background the ENTIRE time. Though my mom moved me around the game room, we neglected to change the channel, or even just turn the stupid thing off! OMG!

I freaked out for about a day, but was happy to find out that I received a 98 on my Senior Project! Yes people, a 98! This was soley because of my swagger, and the fact that my evaluation team was awesome! I had a friend who recorded an entire CD of his own songs, and barely passed! That's because he got the psycho-spanish-teacher and the student-sexing-coach who was scared to do any wrong. Gotta love the Senior Project, my sister is doing it right now, but she is doing a great job! She has chosen weight-loss, and is currently sitting about 25 pounds lighter than she was before X-mas! Congrats Sissy!

It's time to start getting ready for Football season people!!! It is now more important than ever that the TRUE Red Raider fans show their support! We have a new coach and almost an entirely new coaching staff, we might be seeing some serious changes this season. I think Tommy Tubberville (TT) is gonna be awesome! It's about time we bring some of that SEC badd-ass-ness into the BIG 12, and I think that he might be able to turn this thing around! Not that the program was in a shit hole or anything, but we have been running a passing offense, and pansy defense for too long now. I think TT can help us even our game out, and possibly even create a focus on being a FOOTBALL TEAM! No pirates, no bullshit, just a good 'ole American Football Team!

BEST PURCHASE OF 2K10...THUS FAR

For a couple of months, I have been trying to remember to pick up a tube of Super Glue at the store. I only needed it to fix a broken leather bracelet, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Last week, I passed some as I was checking out at Walmart, so I bought it in excitement that I had finally "remembered".

I went home and fixed my bracelet! Awesome! I was too excited to even care that my index finger was still adhered to the bracelet, and I immediately began looking for something else to Super Glue. I repaired some earrings that had been coming loose, I mended a cracked candle holder, and I even used it to upholster a wall decor item!!! I soon found myself fixing all sorts of things around the house! My iPhone case, my domino box, my remote control, the list goes on and on! Get your ass some Super Glue people!!!

My showers are SO much more intense during American Idol Season.

Do you have a question? Are you intrigued about something? Wondering what that is? Wanna know more about that?
Pondering what it looks like?

GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE!!!

So, the Olympics were just here, and I didn't really get to catch much of it. Luckily, I have begun to discover the greater things in life, and I am not spending as much time on my ass in front of the television. I am not really much of a Winter Olympics person anyways. I like Gymnastics and Diving, not Curling and Luging! The Luge.... what a disastrous year for that event! I feel for the guy and everything, but seriously, that's a risk that you take when you agree to fly down an ice tube going 100 mph. Shit happens. No one ever said that luging was any sort of a good idea, regardless of the dangers. Who just walked outside one day and said, "I think I wanna build a large water slide made of ice, then have a box car race down, and eventually one day have one of the greatest movies EVER made about this new sport?" It's retarded. I also saw a bi-athlon event, where the competitors had to shoot a rifle at some targets, and then cross-country ski. Why is that a combination, and why the F is that an Olympic Sport? I won't even get into Curling...

The Olympics are for SPORTS. A sport is where people exert energy and use strength combined with training and strategy to kick ass. Sitting in a sled and trying really hard to be aerodynamic is not a sport. Polishing ice is not a sport, and "Ice Dancing" is a hobby. How about they add Football to the Winter Olympics, huh?

Swan's Texts from LastNight: Part I

(On a DT night, Shara is trying to find me on 6th street)
Shara: Where u at?
Swan: Union Park booty dancin with my liver!!!
haha, wow. I like my liver to party!

(from my little sister on a weekend)
Taylor: I love my sister, yes I do, I love my sister, how bout u?
(6 hours later at 4:30 am)
Swan: That was the cutest text ever :) I showed it to all of my friends
hmmm, love you too Sissy....

Screw the Easy- Bake Oven, I was makin' Creepy Crawlers when I was a kid!

Finger Toes

I have the longest toes on the planet! Everyone who knows me, knows this about me. Even the pedicure ladies tell me this, and they see millions of toes a day! It never fails, someone will notice my toes and gasp, say something, or try to "shake" my foot (Lisa Garcia). I can cross my toes, I can pick up ANYTHING with my toes, and I can even draw and write my name with my toes. Tell me that isn't special! Some people just don't appreciate them.... jealous much?

I am used to the ridicule, and the incessant finger-toe jokes.... it doesn't bother me anymore. But what does bother me is the fact that my toes prohibit me from performing basic tasks. Such as; walking on carpet! If I walk bare-footed on carpet, it's over right then and there. I will end up on my face, no doubt! I think that somehow I trip over my own toes. It's like they get rolled up underneath my foot or something, I dunno, but it never ends well.

I also stump my toes on the reg. Door jambs, floor-level changes, computer chairs at work, ALWAYS in my way! This week has been brutal because I am in a new, unfamiliar place with boxes all over the floor. All of my toes feel broken right now.

The WORST part about having ridiculously long toes is buying shoes! I cannot wear very many styles of shoe. Summer is the hardest, because I often have trouble finding something that my toes do not hang over the edge of. As a result, I typically end up buying shoes that are atleast a full size bigger than what I should be wearing. I try to find sandals that are squared, not rounded at the toe, and really look for something that will let that 2nd guy hang out there pretty far. (P.S. Super long 2nd toe means I'm smart, or head of the household or something like that)Sneakers and boots aren't much easier though, because those cause me excruciating pain. I get all excited about buying a smaller size, not having banana boat feet, and end up making it a painful experience. My 2nd and 3rd toes roll up in there when I wear close-toed shoes, and I immediately lose all polish on those digits from the impact. It's a hard life, but I'm doin it.

I found myself CRACKING UP in the car the other day, when I heard this commercial. Don't get me wrong, I've heard it about 458 times this year, but for some reason.... this time.... I listened. NO!!! Your baby cannot read! Maybe when he's 3-4ish, and that would be pretty bad ass! Most kids learn how to read in Kindergarten, so a reading-toddler would be a pretty great accomplishment for any parent! So why tell people that their babies can read? It's ridiculous! My favorite part is that the box says it's for ages 5+.... makes a ton of sense, right?
I don't have a baby, nor do I want one.... But would definitely go for it if I thought I could get a reading-baby! That would be awesome! "Hey Mom, did you see that there is a choking hazard warning on this passy that you keep shoving into my mouth so I can't speak full sentences and read?" Get real people. But seriously, if you DO see a reading baby.... Grab it!