Could NOT contain my laughter just now!!! I walked past a man on his cell phone, and he was screammmming! He had a pretty hick accent, and was really concerned.
"DO KIDS EAT FREE TONIGHT? DOOO. KIDSSS. EATTT. FREEE TONIGHT!?!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Little Plastic Baggies
For some reason, TSA has had it out for me ever since I brought two computers along one time. They acted like it was soooo unusual, and made a scene. I have been searched or questioned almost every flight since then. Particularly those on which I attempt to bring another computer.
Today I walked up, and started the long process of getting ready to go trough the scanner. With bangles, a computer, a ziploc full of liquids, 2 jackets, and a hula hoop, I knew it would be lengthy. Luckily this is a Wednesday, so I take my time.
Home girl at the scanner machine looks pissed. She obvi hates her life, her fatttt ass, and me, because she stared me down like I was the scum of the earth. Expecting the usual questions/weird looks about my hoop, I watch her face for any reaction other than a death scowl. All of the sudden, her face lights up like a fuckin Christmas tree! She jumped off her stool, called on her posse, and directed my ass to the side.
Of course, I'm pissed! This always happens to me! Even though I know I don't have anything crazy on me, I still get scared every now and then. Hey, I'm forgetful! I wait to see what she's honing in on, and my stomach drops when she holds up a little plastic baggy and shakes it at my face like she just caught me stealing the National Treasure. She smiles and finally likes her job for a second, so that makes me feel good.
But WTFFF is in that baggy? This is not a ziploc, this is a small, clear baggy with little round shapes inside.... Shut the front door! Luckily I only shit myself for a second or two before she shook em close enough for me to realize what it really was.
Turns out, one of my jackets still had the tag in.... The kind of tag that has a little baggy holding extra buttons. IN YO FACE, ya cranky beeyotch! I laughed my ass off, counted my blessings, grabbed all my shit, and told Feleeshakwonya to sit and spin.
Home to Lubbock :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Am I at a Dubstep Show???
Aside from the fact that you are surrounded by people born in the 1990's... there's one sure way to know if you are at a Dubstep show. LISTEN! For one, you will hear basslines that shake your face off. That IS Dubstep. Bass isn't he only thing you can listen for though.... there are also some key words that, if heard, will ensure that you are where you need to be.
1. WOMP! - this is a word commonly used by dubsteppers. The term is referring to those nasty basslines I was talking about earlier. If your heart feels jolted, your molars hurt, and your feet tingle.... you can say 'WOMP!' also.
2. Uhhhh! (Master P style) - this is one of my faves. I use this word when I hear something that I like... which is Dubstep.
3. Connectors - Connectors connectors connectors! This word drives me NUTS because I have heard it so many times at shows. People will use this word when they (rookies) are trying to deck themselves out in glow sticks. News flash people, those things NEVER come with enough connectors, so stop walking around lookin for them!
4. Water - very frequently used and seen at Dubstep shows. If you see more people drinking water than alcoholic bevs, you're definitely in the right place.
Swan's MEATloaf
My old roomie asked me to make him some meatloaf one night, which I was totally okay with. I have a weird thing about cooking for people. The thing was, I was leaving town, he was working late, and leaving the meatloaf in the oven just wasn't gonna happen. So I made the loaf and left it for him in he fridge... this is what he found :)
BOOM! Doin' thangs.
SO, tonight I decided to start a YouTube page... and I have been uploading videos for hours. Not only do I have awesome videos from a lot of the shows I have been to, but also some pretty funny ones. I am excited to see how many views things get! ANOTHER exciting thing that changed about the blog tonight is that I added an RSS feed. If you are one of my 6 readers and/or my Mom, please scroll to the right and follow me by subscribing to my RSS feed!!!
Now, I just need to figure out how to put Magic Plus onto my computer!
The Puppy Shuffle
My "niece" Preslee, aka P-Money, is freaking hilarious! She has recently developed a passion for dancing, which is a passion that her mother and I shared for many years. She gets better every day, and always puts her own style into her moves. Very inspiring. She got a tiny mini pup for her 2nd birthday, and he has recently become her newest dance prop. Kinda sad, to be honest.... but this video, The Puppy Shuffle, will make you pee in your pants.
Call me a shitty Aunt, but I think she MIGHT be able to get her mother and I onto the Ellen show with this video..... and maybe even get a dubstep-remix!
Gym: A shorter word for 'place where douche bags like to creep and exercise their ego'
I've written about this guy before... (I'll attach some of his stories below)... so naturally, tonight when I saw that he has taken up shadow boxing as a new way to occupy one of his 4 hours in the gym... I HAD to capture it. Oh, and incase you were wondering, he does do all of this with out ever taking his eyes off of himself in the mirror. You can't tell by the picture, but Rocky XIII over there is having a seriously intense boxing match with himself. Hysterical!
Dear Brazilian beef-fake douche bag that lives in the gym of Midtown Commons:
I have nothing to say to you.
How on Earth did I become friends with Conan The Mighty Corgi??? He has 1721 friends, most of which are actually OTHER corgis...
Vacuuma Matada!
I am NOT a clean person. I like to BE clean, but I do not like TO clean. Sometime's I let my hair get dirty, but that's only because it looks SO much better the second day... any girl will agree to that. If they don't it's because they get greasy roots too fast, and that sucks. I'd be pissed too.
Anyways... back to cleaning. I hate that crap. My roomie is a clean FREAK, so it works really well with our domestic chemistry. She takes care of me, and puts up with my messiness. It sounds terrible, I know, but she likes it. She totally likes it. Lately, I have been doing more "around the house", or trying to. I say trying, because my eff'ing vacuum has been eff'ing broken for a while. It has been on its' last leg for quite some time. Not only is it from Lubbock, Texas, this deep purple, 87 lb. Dirt Devil has like... 13 years behind it. No wonder only the sucker-tube works! Roomie has been on her hands and knees vacuuming the rug with only that sucker hose and the brush attachment. One time, she was even doing it in her panties!!!.... I told you she liked it.
After weeks of ranting and raving about getting a new vacuum.... For some reason I can only say vacuum in my best Temple Grandin voice now, I wish you could hear it. Anyways, it came time to head to Wally World and check out their selection. Prepared to spend at least $100, Roomie and I were STOKED to find a brand new Dirt Devil for only FIFFFTY DOLL-HAIRSSS! What a steal! I had some gift cards, and it worked out perfectly.
That night.... I want you to know.... I vacuumed. My. Ass off. I think my right shoulder was sore from tossing that damn Dirt Devil into every nook and cranny in this apartment. The best part, is that it doesn't have bags like our old piece. I emptied the tornadic dirt canister into the trashcan, and that was all. Our long awaited vacuum sesh lasted for hours, used 8 different outlets, filled 4 canisters (Baxter and new carpet, not all just dirt), and flooded TWO basements. Vacuuma Matada!
Where did all my funny go!?!
Looking back on the things I used to have to say... I'm starting to wonder what happened to that load of bullshit stories that would surge out of my fingertips, and into this keyboard. Is it because I had just gotten my sweet ass MacBook Pro, and I thought I was the shit? Now I still owe money on it, and it pisses me off, so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's because I go through phases; hooping, painting, partying, scrap-booking, cooking, wood working, etc. Maybe it's because I have found newer, more important, and even greater things to be passionate about. It's definitely not because I have found someone to sit and listen to all this crap I have to say.
Anyway... If you're bored at work, and you're a new follower... go back into some old school shit and tell me what you think.
You can get to the rest of the months through the archive on the right side :) Thanks for reading, Mom!
Sissy Nancy Panda Bear... Apparently, you didn't read this the first time.
Gentlemen,
Please don't take a girl out to eat and order a salad, a wrap, or any herbavore-ish type meal. WHAT A TURN OFF!!! Try to impress the lady, not make her think you are a huge pansy. Then she can't get the Chicken Fried Steak she wanted, and will spend the rest of the night wondering how often you eat like an eff'ing sissy. Girls want a man who can protect them in the streets, a man who devours steaks, and large quantities of protein. Girls want a strong hearty-eatin grizzly bear, NOT a sissy nancy panda bear.
Cookie
It took me 2 months to find her... but friend-requesting every "Cookie" in the New Orleans area finally paid off. This angel shown above contributed to one of the best days I have had in my entire life. Not only did she compliment my mask, my ginger hair, and my vibrant personality.... she also gave me a perfect doobie out of the kindness of her heart. Miss you, Cooks ;)
The Amazing Allysini
Ughhhh, I am really trying to post those videos on here, but I can't get it to work. One day....
Teen Mom
I am SICK AND TIRED of every show on television being about pregnant teens!!!!! It's effing ridiculous! This long awaited blog rage is spurred on by a quick look at MTV On Demand. TRUE LIFE: I'm pregnant. TRUE LIFE: I had an abortion. Teen Mom 2: After Jail. That 17 year old trashball is making mid 6-figures, and has been in and out court fighting for the right to even see her daughter. But ohhh, she's in the club. She found some new boyfriend, and is allegedly doing drugs. She miraculously lost 57 pounds, got a life-size tattoo of her daughter, and has the hottest new shit. Barf. in. my. face.
I have never really seen the show for more than about 7 minutes. I just started to google the main Teen Mom that I know of, recalling her name from one of the 16 Magazine covers she has been on in the past 3 months. Truth. Her name popped up first before I even typed the first 3 letterse. It makes me sick how much attention she is getting.... along with the other 2 dozen young teen moms recently featured.
The worst part about this mess being blasted across the country is what I like to call T.M effing I. How is it okay to introduce all these horrible/personal/serious/adult life choices to little girls who haven't even been to tampon class in the fifth grade? Any kid can go to MTV and see "that older pretty girl" and think how badass it is that she is on TV. She is getting married, and her Mom even lets HER boyfriend sleep over. He even bought a fake piece of shit ring that "little Susie watching MTV" thinks she wants one day.
How am I going to keep my children away from this CRAP!?! When I was a kid, I was doing Steve Urkel impressions, and watching DJ Tanner learn life lessons about boyfriends and eating disorders. She wasn't gettin' nasty and knocked up in her room while Jessie and Becky were supposed to be babysitting. hahaha... Danny would have had a fucking heart attack!
Auntie Ally
Because I miss all of my PRESSSSSHHHH nieces, nephews and Godchildren soooo much.... I think I will do a tribute :)
This is P & B. Preslee and Blain. They belong to my nearest and dearest friend, Magen.
Blain is a sweetheart, but will be breaking hearts in no time ;)
Preslee... she is a free spirit like her Auntie Ally :)
This is Amyah Jade, of Kristin "K-Mill" Hammond. She is the smartest kid I have ever met in my life. She is two years old, and can have conversations like a 7 year old. It's absolutely nuts!
When their Moms let them hang out, I like to call them "A-Town" and P-Money". They have a lot of fun and I think it's awesome that they will be long-time friends simply because their Moms will be. I guess they can baby sit Auntie Ally's kids...?
They LOVE hanging out with their Krazy Auntie Krystal. She is also a free spirited Auntie, and they sure will love to come hang out with us when we are old and still partying balls. I hope.
This is Brynlee Bear. She is a miracle baby! She was the first baby out of all of my closest friends and she has the most hilarious personality! Bryn runs shit around her house!
This is Khloe Bear, and she has gotten so much bigger than the one time I got to meet her, on the day she was born. Hopefully that will change soon :(
These are the twins, and below is their older brother Watson. These little cowboys moved down South, but I do my best to creep on their mother's facebook page as much as possible! Miss all of you little shits! I can't wait til your Mom lets me hang out with you alone... one day!
Hair Feathers in Austin, TX!
You know you want some feather fun in YOUR hair, everybody's doin' it!!!Call or e-mail to make an appointment.
Allyson Maxey
512.968.7926
allyson.maxey@gmail.com
sometimes... when I'm in a meeting with someone, and I feel like it's a waste of my time, I start to freak out inside. I want to scream really loud, throw my shit across the room, and be like, I.don't.have.effing.time.for.this! Quit telling me about your effing dog and your grandkid, I'm 25 and i dont give a CRAP! I wear 27 hats, I have shit to do, so tell me what you've got and lets move the heck on!
So, I start thinking all of these crazy thoughts in my head about how mad I am, and then she is like, maam? and catches me not even listening at all. my bad.
does this make me a bad ass office manager? maybe.
Do yourself a favor this week, and don't let anyone waste your time, besides yourself!!!
I'm baaaaacccckkkkk!!!
After three long months of desertion and lame nothingness, I have decided to start blogging again. I don't even know how to describe what I have been doing for all this time. What on earth could take me away from my blogging???
Well, I have changed jobs, traveled my ass off, been to dozens of shows/festivals, still... made surprising progress with my journey to adulthood, done a photo shoot, jumped out of an airplane, fallen in love with Bassnectar and anything with a dirty as bassline... WOMP, started eating healthier, remained loyal to Dr. Pepper though, discovered my inner hooper, partied my ass off, missed the SHIT out of my parents,
... and I bet you're really fuckin' excited to hear alllllll about it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of my very first Thanksgiving away from home, I thought I'd give everyone a little gobble gobble. That could have been a lot punnier, but the next 300 words will do that just fine.
Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.....
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat at the table.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. You think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
I love salad bars! Making your own plate is exhilarating, and having endless options is the ish. I like a simple salad with green onions, tomatoes, feta cheese, balsamic dressing, and artichokes. Those 5 ingredients will make a pretty delish salad, but if you want to make it over the top, you need to add the one ingredient that makes any salad phenomenal..... sunflower seeds. I could eat a mountain of sunflower seeds. Nothing sucks worse than building a fab salad, and getting to the end to discover that they don't have sunflower seeds. I will ditch the salad and go get something else, no doubt.
I discovered my love for salad bars at an early age, when my grandparents took me to Mr. Gatti's. Though I realized later in life how measly their selection was, I still looked forward to that salad bar every week. That was back in my ranch dressing days, which really goes well with sunflower seeds. I soon learned of Souper Salad, and realized how much the salad bar world had to offer. Souper Salad was my jam, until I threw my Texas Tech themed retainers into the trash one day. Since this was the 7th set of ridiculously expensive retainers my parents had to pay for, you can imagine their fury as I screamed half-way back home. Mark the Shark slammed on the breaks, and my Mom ripped me three new ass-holes on the way back to the restaurant. She escorted me inside, and helped me demand that the terrified cook let us take the trash into our possession. Diggin through the trash, I cried as I thought about all of those people out front waiting to see if my Mom brought me back out alive or not.
It was a sad sad day at that Lubbock, Texas Souper Salad. I had a hard time going back after the horror. Luckily, I soon heard of Zookini's, and realized that Souper Salad is the ass of salad bars. My ongoing love for salad has remained a constant in my life, as I have now discovered Whole Foods and Leaf. I have decided that my Arts and Crafts business will also head-up the world's greatest salad bar/bars nationwide. Be there.
Hey Douche! Sweet Porche!
I'm having a really hard time with this. I have so many stories that I want to tell, but can't. I can't talk shit about people (bad dates) when they know that it's me. Ugh, I knew I never should have accepted his friend request! As much as I would feel terrible about telling my 5 followers what a lame date he was, I still want to tell them sooooo badly! You wouldn't believe some of the stories! How long is the appropriate amount of time that I should wait before I roast a douche-date? A week? A month? Never? What about right now? Okay, okay, I'll tell you.
I had the WEIRDEST 3 hours with the BIGGEST douche-bag a couple weeks ago. I met his guy at the Greenbelt one weekend, and was forced into one of those awkward can-I-get-your-number situations. Though hesitant, I thought it might be okay since we talked about both being artists. When he told me that he had a welder, I was hopeful that we could become friends and arts-n-crafting buddies. He was diligent. He facebook requested me before I got home. He wanted to show me his studio by Tuesday, and even offered to come get me from work. As I walked outside, I realized that his demand for picking me up was so that I could see his convertible Porche. Cool, dude. I arrived at his AWESOME house with my freshly wind-blown afro, and was quickly reminded that men are always about 4 years less mature than their age. Ready to get back to my car, I cried inside as he proposed a bite to eat on the way back to my office. Grrrrrreat, this should be fun.
You wouldn't even believe it. Fun. as. shit! We went to a Mexican Food restaurant that made Taco Taco in San Antonio seem like Abuelo's. He immediately pulled the Sissy Nancy Panda Bear act, and said that he just hadn't been able to eat much lately since his tummy was hurting. Going on the 3rd hour I had ever spent with the guy, he began to ask questions about my past relationships and life. I knew it had to end soon. We walked up to the register to pay, and our meal was $17. HE ASKED ME IF I MINDED LEAVING THE TIP!!! Despite the fact that he used his card, he thought it would be cool if I could throw down some cash. Are you eff'ing kidding me?
Glad to be on the way back to my car, I am releived that the windy ride is too loud for conversation. Wup! Not for this guy! He screams questions about my religion, which is a tough subject for me to express my opinions on. At first I was scared to offend him, but then saw it as an opportunity to make a fine impression for myself. Nothin' better than an awkward I'm-an-athiest convo.
The next question stunned me, "so..... on a scale from 1-10..... what do ya give me?" I didn't even know how to answer. Sick of his every being, I told him he was an 11, no doubt. Calls and texts persisted for a while, but I think he finally got the hint. I guess I will find out once I blast this story on facebook.
Ding Ding Ding
What is the ONE thing that no sport can go without? Whether it be a toot, ding, buzz, or dong, you've gotta make some sort of noise in order to get shit accomplished in any game.
So in the words of Lil Jon ,
"Blow the Whistle!"
Bros Icing Feauxs!!!
Attention everyone!!! David Becker is an Ice-Cheater, and has no right to participate in Bros Icing Bros, Hoes Icing Bros, or any other form of that dynamite-ass game. Pictured above, you can see David consuming an illegal Ice. This photo was taken no more than 36 hours after David REFUSED an Ice from me at his home address. David slammed the door in my face while I attempted to Ice him at 11am last Friday morning. He is, therefore; EXILED from Icing!
Frito-Lazy
Stacy's Pita Chips are amazing, and I would never talk shit about Stacy.
Now that I have made that statement, I just want to say EFF the chip-packaging industry!!! I've spent my entire life wondering why chip bags come half-full. It's not always that I'm upset with the lack of chips, because I don't need that many chips anyways. BUTTTTT if you're going to fill half of the bag with air, then why don't you think Pringle, and try to save a little packaging material, you wasteful assholes. You're being so human right now with your lack of sympathy for all of the harm you're doing making those plastic/funky-foil bags. It's time to get real, and think of something different here, people!
HOLY HELL! Nothing makes me angrier than automated voice systems. Eff that technology. I don't care how much of a new-and-improved machine-lady you have, she still can't understand SHIT that I'm saying. It's impossible to get anywhere, accomplish anything, or speak to a human being. I find myself screaming crazily into the phone, "HUMAN! REPRESENTATIVE! REAL FRIGGIN PERSONNNNN!"
It brings out the worst in me, I'm not proud. I AM pissed, though, and I don't know how to avoid it. I used to default to pressing zero over and over again until I was connected to a human, but the more advanced systems have started blocking that option. Isn't the unemployment rate too high? Aren't there people EVERYWHERE looking for a job... ANY job? Someone should try out a new marketing campaign, and offer nothing but REAL people answering the phones. I'd switch any one of my contracts to a company who offered that!
Bayum! You just got iced! May 21-23
Well, the game plays on, haters. Icing is still just as cool as it was last weekend, and I still feel just as awesome about it. Smirnoff Ice is D-sgusting no matter who you are, but I am slowly beginning to learn that there are worse times than others to get Iced. The shit sucks, terribly, but drinking a few is totally worth the fun of Icing everyone else around you. If you haven't started in on the fun, then balls up, you need to!
Finally!!!! Kelli getting Iced :)
I LOVE THIS ONE! Cass looks so delighted. The thing is, these two are getting Iced at a bar. (For which we got in trouble, and almost kicked out. Be careful when bringing Ices into business establishments) Anyways.... this was in the evening, party mode, what's a Smirnoff gonna hurt when you're rippin shots?
THIS; however, is the shitty side of being Iced. This is what I found in my purse on Sunday afternoon, my head throbbing, dehydration nation, and the sight of that THIRTY TWO oz. Ice made me puke in my mouth. It was terrible, but it damn sure got me excited about Icing everyone who looked my direction during LOST!
Here is Jim, demonstrating the Napoleon Dynamite/Queer style Ice.
Luke is famous for the "No Pinky" Ice. Every time.
I just wanna say that this is some of the best form I have seen thus far!
This is the Mystery Ice. I have NO IDEA who this is, where it was, or if I had anything to even do with it. I picked this up sometime Saturday night, possibly on 6th, if anyone has any insight as to who this might be... please... let me know.
LOST, but NOT found.
Well, LOST is finally over. After SIX years of watching that crap, I can't say I'm glad I did it. I hate on myself pretty hard about wasting time watching television, and especially for becoming a huge geeky LOST fan, but this season was by far my favorite. Not because it was the end, and definitely not because it was the best season, but because I finally found the people I was supposed to be with in the ending. We had a kick-ass group of Losties, and made every Tuesday island-er-iffic with feasts and revelry.
I'm not a very religious person, so I was pretty disappointed with the ending. People guessed the "heaven/purgatory/hell" connotations in the FIRST season. Duh! I kept watching in hopes that they would use 6 years of crunk-ass mystery to leave us with something more than a little Bible beating. As much as I'd love to talk about all of the questions I am STILL left with, and give a million angry words on my opinions, I won't. I know that there aren't many people who will read it, and even less people who give a crap about LOST. Goodbye.
Bayum! You just got iced! May 14-16
If you don't know what I'm talking about here, you need to look around you. Icing is sweeping the nation, and my life is consumed by it. I want to Ice everyone I see. The more innocent and unexpected; the better. Ice your friends, Ice your family, Ice yourself! And someone PLEASE Ice Kelli!!!
I got iced at 10am, hungover, about to embark on a 6 hour road trip. Not driving, but still!
Naturally, before we started the road trip, Bryan and I thought it was best if we iced Cassie in bed first. 10:30am and good morning!
Cass with her wittle kitty. 10:42 am.
Only Schu can look so adorable while being iced.
and only Moe could look so fit.
Cuatro, with the Western Ice.
Iced LBK style; It's early, I'm ardy wasted, that's a THIRTY-TWO oz., my dress in on backwards, and I'm with a Handsome Huge Hatian Hoe. I feel bad about the Hoe part, but it was funny and it started with an H. Sorry Lava.
This Ice is somewhere in West Texas, nearing the end of the road-trip to Paradise.
This is P-Money getting Iced with Carnation.
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