I got a watch for my birthday in an attempt to delay my boss seeing the bright blue bird on my wrist.... Should be pretty awesome when I'm dropping my kids off at soccer practice. I have worn the watch for almost a week now, and looked at it constantly. This is maybe the third watch I have EVER owned, so it's new to me. As I sat here tonight on my patio, watching the beautiful MK hands tick... I realized that I have never once looked at the watch for a time reference. I have looked at it in awe, I have looked at it for a scratch check, I have looked at it to reassure that I chose the right one, and I have even looked at it just for the sake of looking at my watch. But I swear I have NEVER looked at it to see what time it was. I would never cheat on my iPhone like that!
The Allygator
After turning 15, the main thing that was on my mind was getting a car. I was at the prime of my teenage rebellion, and for some odd reason, I thought that adding 2 tons of metal and speeds excessing 80 mph would make my life better. I couldn't wait to get my permit, and luckily my parents let me do the "at-home" driver's ed. They never made me read a single paragraph, and often supported their lack of instruction by saying, "It's okay, she's been driving 4-wheelers, and a golf cart her whole life." AWESOME!
I wasn't sure when they were gonna bust out with the new whip, so I made sure that they knew the guidelines before hand. 1. Every girl I know has a mustang, so I DO NOT WANT A MUSTANG. 2. ALL I WANT IS A BUG! Lime. Green. Bug. Period. There were no other options, I knew it was meant to be, and I even started crafting kick-ass flower arrangements to put in my bug-vase. One day, my mom came home and essentially suggested that she had a surprise in the driveway for me, that was green with wheels. I ran outside, and found a toy lime green bug on the ground. I was pissed. Months passed, and my parents weren't pulling through on the car. I began to get worried. I'm about to get my license, my grades are top notch, and they have no idea that I spend my weekends drinking excessively and experimenting with drugs.... so what's the freakin' hold up???
It was a Saturday night, and I couldn't wait to hit the town. I always had to struggle to find someone who would come pick me up from the Maxey Farm in BFE, so I began to get ready and look for a ride. All of the sudden, my mom burst into my room with a flash of fury. I had no idea what she was raging on me about, typical for 2002, but there was no reasoning with her. I was NOT going out, NOT even for a little bit, and I needed to go to BED! Bed??? WTF? This is when I knew something was up. My mom hadn't told me to go to bed in years, and was treating me like shit for no reason. Usually that was a result of me and my "hormonal-teen-years", so I cried myself to sleep in confusion.
At 2:00am that night, a group of people burst into my room. They blindfolded me, tied me up, and carried me to my mom's car. They were laughing and eff'ing with me the entire time, and boasting about how they were taping this whole scene. I was so confused, and upset. Crying, I asked everyone WHY they were doing this to me, and they said it was because I had been such a bitch lately. Wow. They informed me that they would be taking me to "The Pet Cemetery", yes, you heard me, a pet cemetery. The car stopped, and they dragged me out, kicking and screaming, and sat me down in......
MY NEW CAR! What a trickster my mom is! I scream in excitement, and rip off my blindfold. What do I see in front of my face, but a shiny eff'ing Mustang on the steering wheel. You've GOT to be kidding me! I glance over the hood to see the color. Green. Okay, I like green. Breathe. Woo-sahhhhhh Allyson, woo-sah. Yes, I was a total brat, unappreciative, and ridiculous, I know. I was 15, geez. I look around the ride, cloth seats, definitely gonna be hard to hide the cig smoke smell, but I can work with that. I noticed that there was no CD player and asked, "Does anyone have any cassette tapes?" My Mom should have slapped me, but luckily she was too busy getting all of this on camera.
Despite my bitching, I was still so thankful to have a car. FREEDOM! In typical Allyson-over-the-top style, I covered that car in flare before the sun came up. I had green beads on the rear view, and a hand-full of Lady Pirate Sports, and trashy country music stickers on the back. I decided I would name him "The Allygator", and adorned him with some stuffed alligators in the back, an alligator wheel cover, and I even stuck a Ginger-Barbie-Head on my antenna. True life.
I drove THE shit out of that car. I took it mudding, I spinned it in circles, and I punched about 7 holes in my styrofoam bumper, which all mysteriously took the shape of a ball hitch. Weird. I scratched it, other people scratched it, I dinged my doors, I ravaged the under-carriage, I abused the pedals, and I even threw some sick ass screw-loosening speakers in there, so Lubbock haha. The car was ready to go for the big B-day, and so was I. I had it in my head that I was going to wear a tube-top for my license picture so I looked naked. It worked. Waving goodbye to my Mom, and pulling out of the DPS, I became a new woman. I lit up a cig, and kicked off the first day of the rest of my life. All day, I couldn't wait to drive after school. All my other friends, already driving, made plans to meet me after school and watched me leave the parking lot in The Allygator. I buckled my seatbelt, and put the shoulder strap under my arm so I could feel cooler for looking like I wasn't really wearing it. This looks suspicious to the State Trooper sitting on Woodrow road, so yes, he pulls me over on my 16th birthday. I explain that I did, in fact, have my seatbelt on, and he let me go. I continue on. I head down Indiana at 50 mph.... the speed limit is 40 mph. Yessssssssss..... I get pulled over for the SECOND time on my 16th birthday. My friends all pass by at this point freaking out with laughter. Luckily, I cried my little birthday ass out of it, and head on to my friend's house. Holy cow, how does that even happen to someone?
I grew to love The Allygator, and he did me well over the course of about a year and a half. This was all until I realized that Mustangs are basically made out of aluminum foil. It was a hot Summer day, and also the 3rd time I had ever tried the Devil's Lettuce. Mary Jane. Krypto-chrono-konolike. Pot, Mom! I had just left a pool party, where I was tossed into the pool in my jeans. My jeans were in the back seat, and I was wearing boy-shorts and a tank top. AWESOME! I was on a residential street, oddly enough the same street that my rent-house in Lubbock is on, Elgin. The Pizza Hut delivery Exploder in front of me turned on his right blinker, and began to go right. I sped around him just as he changed his mind and decided to go left. BAYUMM! It was slow-mo craziness. I walked around the wreckage and yelled obsenities for 45 seconds before I remembered that I was in my panties. The situation grew shittier and shittier by the second. As I go to my back seat to grab my wet jeans, I see the 30 pack of Keystone Light that I had also forgotten about. I call my friend who lives down the street, and prepare for all that can go terribly wrong with this situation.
1. Have you ever tried to put wet jeans on?
2. The cop showed up in record timing.
3. A 30-pack does not fit easily into a back-pack.
4. This cop does not like my distraction-tactic jokes.
5. My hood just stayed attached to the Exploder when the tow-truck pulled them apart.
Wow. I was missing a hood, bumper, and one front fender. I studied the damage and insisted to the cop that I could still drive home. Not happening. I called my Dad, and the next 2 weeks of my life sucked terribly. Sometimes..... I really do miss that piece.
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