This one had me laughing for a minute. Is that a talking dog?
Mom: "Did Taylor tell you she got a fake ID?"
Ally: "No, how did she get it? Ugh, it was so hard getting one as a Ginger!"
Mom: "It's sooo perfect! Looks just like her!"
MTS in the back: "That's a great 'parent' thing to say, dear!"
Immediately, I'm pissed. What are you saying? You have looked at it, and you're ok with it? Things sure have changed since I was a Senior in High School! Good thing you guys never had a third kid, or you'd be letting HER push dope and ravage your life savings! Real cool, Mom!
The Town Lake Animal Shelter is nuts. Miles of saddening wittle puppy faces. It's floorplan is laid out like an Ikea for homeless dogs. You walk through it in tears, with an adorably mangey new face around every corner. It was almost reminiscent of a scary Halloween corn-maze in Shallowater, Texas. I'm not gonna lie, even I teared up there today.
WHY does my horse taste like raisins, and WHERE is Chuck Norris!?!
Got some free time on your hands? Tired of facebook and already puked from chatRoulette? Well kids, there's a new pastime in town, and his name is Google Predictive Search Ideas. Have you noticed how when you're typing in a search, Google will begin to prompt you with a drop-down menu of things you might be looking for? It's incredible! Start off with one word, like a question word. Google will then give you the most popular recent searches beginning with that word. The things you see WILL surprise you! People are freakin' nut farms! Once you have exhausted all of the "W" words you can think of, start spicing it up a little. Type things like, "Why does my mom", or "Where is my", the possibilities are endless! Do yourself a favor, and test it out for a bit.
Allyson, Your Lubbock is Showing!!!
Sometimes I really let my true Red-Neck side come out at work, and my co-workers seem to find it pretty entertaining. Whenever I say something ridiculously country, they just tell me,
"Allyson, your Lubbock is showing!"
Stayin' at Stan's
This is my beautiful mother, and her father, Stan. My mom is so fun to mess with. In the past few years, I have grown to love torturing my mother in a different way than I always have. Rather than riddling her life with worry and constant delinquency, I have decided to take a new route to getting her all flustered; I just tell her about all of the terrible things that I did which she never found out about. She HATES it! I don't know if it's because she just doesn't want to hear about the terrible things I did, or because it makes her feel incredibly stupid and oblivious to her children's whereabouts and hobbies. It is definitely not because she did not expect those things of me. So, Mom, here is a little story about staying the night with Stan the Man.
Stan the Man is my incredibly kick-ass Grandpa. Coolest cat ever! Not only was he a chemical engineer for Budweiser, but he is also really funny.
Ally: "Gramps, did you get a haircut?"
Stan: "No, silly, I got ALL of them cut!"
Genius, really. He can play golf, clean pools, make amazing sandwiches, dis-assemble any electronic device (but it will probably never work again) and he LOVES him some Ally. Stan has had my back like you would not believe and I could never in a million years say how grateful I am for having him. I spent many years taking him for granted, being a smart-ass to him, and using him for his money, so I carry around 3 tons of guilt for the way I once treated him. I was such a damn brat, it disgusts me.
Stan lived in a neighborhood on 98th street, where ALL of my friends lived. I rode the school bus to Stan's every day after school, and spent all of my Summers at his house as well. I was ALWAYS at Stan the Man's. I would have friends over after school to swim, and he would make sure all of us had a bacon-tomato sandwich, and any style of Sam's brand cola we could imagine. As I got older, I began to see more and more resources offered by hanging out at Stan's house. I started taking his car for joyrides, not always with his permission, and once I even took my Grandma's motorized wheelchair all the way to 103rd! Stan has always been a pushover, so I always knew I could hit him up for a Benji before me and my girls hit the town.
We would all meet at Magen's, which was directly behind Stan's house. We got ready, hit the town, and made it back to Stan's no later than midnight, every night. Why would you want to stay the night at your Grandparent's house, right? WRONG! because we could throw a 50 person moonlight pool party and no one would ever know! In the beginning stages of "staying at Stan's", we would come home with our beer, go out by the pool, and rip until we passed out on the lawn chairs. Swimming and drinking = Great idea!
Around 2002, we all began to turn 16, and things were a changin'! Freedom. It was such a beautiful thing. One downfall of being able to drive was your parent being much more worried, though. With tighter restrictions on staying the night places, "staying at Stan's" became a weekend staple for my friends and I. We would stick to the normal routine, and be back at Stan's by midnight. We grabbed his cordless phone, took it into the front yard, and made all of our "Mom, I'm home" calls. This was right when Caller ID hit the scene, so actually being at Stan Bobrowski's house was important. After all the calls were made, we took the phone off the hook, and placed it carefully in the front bushes. We were then, free to roam the streets of Lubbock, and proceed to break all rules in sight.
At 6 am the next morning, probably only an hour or two after our return, Stan would walk through the living room, stepping over tube-tops and 10 nappy weaves soaked in cig smoke, and walk-fart, all in his whitey-tighties. My friends always loved that part. What would we have done without "Stayin at Stan's"???
New Kicks = Awesome Day!
These are THE most comfortable shoes I have ever worn in my entire life! It feels like I am walking on whipped cream.
International Man of Mystery
TRUE LIFE: Luke was walking around DT by himself, stopped and asked a Japanese man to take this photo. Cowboy hat backwards.
Food Baby
So, I've made it very clear in the past that I have no sympathy for homeless beggers. Notice how I said beggers there. If you are homeless, but putting forth some effort to getting a job or being a contributing member of society, then you're okay. BUT! If your idea of getting some income is standing on the corner asking for OTHER people's hard earned money, then get out of my direct line of vision, please. Here in Austin, they are everywhere! Initially, this was a huge culture shock for me, but now it is just a great source for people watching.
Last week I was sitting at a light, on my way to work, when I noticed a begger-chick who was cracked out like Whitney Houston in Africa. She was not your typical crack-head though.... she had some junk in the trunk, AND in the front seat. I feel 98% confident in saying that her junk in the front seat was NOT a baby! Call me a hater, but I could tell right off the bat that this bitch was faking. I can push my belly out like that too, and the over-done curvature of your lower back is a dead give away you eff'ing retard. Obviously, this girl has seen an increase in donations with her pregnancy act, so she is totally gonna work that angle. Sick world.
As she strutted her excess weight up and down the median, doing all the classic preggo-body language, people ate it up! I hate watching people give beggers money, it totally gets my goat. Give this hoe some milk, or some nutrients, not money for her to buy more crack with, please! She exhausted all of the potential suckas at the light, and headed over to the bus stop for a break. TRUE LIFE: the girl goes over to the bench, HIGH FIVES her man, and plops that ass down with pride. Disgusting. How about you high five over an interview at McDonald's, or finding some day work? She sat her poster on the ground, and stretched her feet across the bench, disregarding the 7 people waiting, who are actually going to THEIR JOBS! She is still caressing the food baby in her tummy, and even goes so far as to UNBUTTON her jeans on the bus stop bench. In public, directly in the line of vision of 30 people waiting for green. GET. A. LIFE! and please do it more than 200 yards away from my apartment. Thankyou.
Ginga Ninja
Don't walk up to me with that firey hair! Okay, I walked up to you and yelled "Ginger" across the bar, sorry. But still, how can you be a Day-walker, and have the balls to tell people that you are a ninja???
A GINGA NINJA!!!
If you're at Chili's this shitty-weathered Saturday morning, which you're probably not.... It's only 11am, and not many people love Chili's like Kelli and I do. Anyways, don't be alarmed if you hear me screaming. I'm loud & proud. I love this place and I want all 5 patrons in here to know that. I'll have a strawberry daquiri, and some avocado ranch, please. The waiter is bringing me a new DP before I even slurp down my last one.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
just for pure proof of how ridiculous things can get at 3:30am... I want everyone to know what true rapping potential lies within me.
Me. A microphone. Love in the air. Freestyle flow battle in Billy's backyard. Truly outshining any of my 10 performances of Juicy by Biggie on karaoke. Every time one of the boys gets into a good groove, Kelli interrupts like she is about the shut the club down. Just as you think she is about to lay down some Dwayne Carter shit, she quickly gives an unwarranted introduction for "Al on the mike" and puts me on the spot. She is the Cheddar Bob to my Rabbit!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Me. A microphone. Love in the air. Freestyle flow battle in Billy's backyard. Truly outshining any of my 10 performances of Juicy by Biggie on karaoke. Every time one of the boys gets into a good groove, Kelli interrupts like she is about the shut the club down. Just as you think she is about to lay down some Dwayne Carter shit, she quickly gives an unwarranted introduction for "Al on the mike" and puts me on the spot. She is the Cheddar Bob to my Rabbit!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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