Dear......
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b * tch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985
Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God
Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast
Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake
Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
We got a new guy at the gym across from my balcony. I know he is new because he was creeping around in the dark with his hoodie on. He couldn't find the light switch. He looked around frantically, stopped in front of the mirror, and did a quick jumping jack to see if the lights might be motion activated. Nice try, dumbass, but this is an apartment complex, not the W. I know you're crunk about our badass pool, and fresh to death finishes, but motion activated lights??? Really??? Haha, he soon found the switch, bummer! Thankyou, ciggy break!
Ceiling Stars
Laying in bed thinking... No wonder Mom used to get so pissed about me putting those glow-in-the-dark stars on my fan and ceiling!!! Those mofos are STILL up there! She erased every trace of what was MY room years ago.... Or at least she THOUGHT she did :) Now she is puttin guests up in this fancy new guest bedroom with trashy glow stars on the fan... I LOVE it!
- Posted using my iPhone, son.
Little Plastic Baggies
For some reason, TSA has had it out for me ever since I brought two computers along one time. They acted like it was soooo unusual, and made a scene. I have been searched or questioned almost every flight since then. Particularly those on which I attempt to bring another computer.
Today I walked up, and started the long process of getting ready to go trough the scanner. With bangles, a computer, a ziploc full of liquids, 2 jackets, and a hula hoop, I knew it would be lengthy. Luckily this is a Wednesday, so I take my time.
Home girl at the scanner machine looks pissed. She obvi hates her life, her fatttt ass, and me, because she stared me down like I was the scum of the earth. Expecting the usual questions/weird looks about my hoop, I watch her face for any reaction other than a death scowl. All of the sudden, her face lights up like a fuckin Christmas tree! She jumped off her stool, called on her posse, and directed my ass to the side.
Of course, I'm pissed! This always happens to me! Even though I know I don't have anything crazy on me, I still get scared every now and then. Hey, I'm forgetful! I wait to see what she's honing in on, and my stomach drops when she holds up a little plastic baggy and shakes it at my face like she just caught me stealing the National Treasure. She smiles and finally likes her job for a second, so that makes me feel good.
But WTFFF is in that baggy? This is not a ziploc, this is a small, clear baggy with little round shapes inside.... Shut the front door! Luckily I only shit myself for a second or two before she shook em close enough for me to realize what it really was.
Turns out, one of my jackets still had the tag in.... The kind of tag that has a little baggy holding extra buttons. IN YO FACE, ya cranky beeyotch! I laughed my ass off, counted my blessings, grabbed all my shit, and told Feleeshakwonya to sit and spin.
Home to Lubbock :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Am I at a Dubstep Show???
Aside from the fact that you are surrounded by people born in the 1990's... there's one sure way to know if you are at a Dubstep show. LISTEN! For one, you will hear basslines that shake your face off. That IS Dubstep. Bass isn't he only thing you can listen for though.... there are also some key words that, if heard, will ensure that you are where you need to be.
1. WOMP! - this is a word commonly used by dubsteppers. The term is referring to those nasty basslines I was talking about earlier. If your heart feels jolted, your molars hurt, and your feet tingle.... you can say 'WOMP!' also.
2. Uhhhh! (Master P style) - this is one of my faves. I use this word when I hear something that I like... which is Dubstep.
3. Connectors - Connectors connectors connectors! This word drives me NUTS because I have heard it so many times at shows. People will use this word when they (rookies) are trying to deck themselves out in glow sticks. News flash people, those things NEVER come with enough connectors, so stop walking around lookin for them!
4. Water - very frequently used and seen at Dubstep shows. If you see more people drinking water than alcoholic bevs, you're definitely in the right place.
Swan's MEATloaf
My old roomie asked me to make him some meatloaf one night, which I was totally okay with. I have a weird thing about cooking for people. The thing was, I was leaving town, he was working late, and leaving the meatloaf in the oven just wasn't gonna happen. So I made the loaf and left it for him in he fridge... this is what he found :)
BOOM! Doin' thangs.
SO, tonight I decided to start a YouTube page... and I have been uploading videos for hours. Not only do I have awesome videos from a lot of the shows I have been to, but also some pretty funny ones. I am excited to see how many views things get! ANOTHER exciting thing that changed about the blog tonight is that I added an RSS feed. If you are one of my 6 readers and/or my Mom, please scroll to the right and follow me by subscribing to my RSS feed!!!
Now, I just need to figure out how to put Magic Plus onto my computer!
The Puppy Shuffle
My "niece" Preslee, aka P-Money, is freaking hilarious! She has recently developed a passion for dancing, which is a passion that her mother and I shared for many years. She gets better every day, and always puts her own style into her moves. Very inspiring. She got a tiny mini pup for her 2nd birthday, and he has recently become her newest dance prop. Kinda sad, to be honest.... but this video, The Puppy Shuffle, will make you pee in your pants.
Call me a shitty Aunt, but I think she MIGHT be able to get her mother and I onto the Ellen show with this video..... and maybe even get a dubstep-remix!
Gym: A shorter word for 'place where douche bags like to creep and exercise their ego'
I've written about this guy before... (I'll attach some of his stories below)... so naturally, tonight when I saw that he has taken up shadow boxing as a new way to occupy one of his 4 hours in the gym... I HAD to capture it. Oh, and incase you were wondering, he does do all of this with out ever taking his eyes off of himself in the mirror. You can't tell by the picture, but Rocky XIII over there is having a seriously intense boxing match with himself. Hysterical!
Dear Brazilian beef-fake douche bag that lives in the gym of Midtown Commons:
I have nothing to say to you.
How on Earth did I become friends with Conan The Mighty Corgi??? He has 1721 friends, most of which are actually OTHER corgis...
Vacuuma Matada!
I am NOT a clean person. I like to BE clean, but I do not like TO clean. Sometime's I let my hair get dirty, but that's only because it looks SO much better the second day... any girl will agree to that. If they don't it's because they get greasy roots too fast, and that sucks. I'd be pissed too.
Anyways... back to cleaning. I hate that crap. My roomie is a clean FREAK, so it works really well with our domestic chemistry. She takes care of me, and puts up with my messiness. It sounds terrible, I know, but she likes it. She totally likes it. Lately, I have been doing more "around the house", or trying to. I say trying, because my eff'ing vacuum has been eff'ing broken for a while. It has been on its' last leg for quite some time. Not only is it from Lubbock, Texas, this deep purple, 87 lb. Dirt Devil has like... 13 years behind it. No wonder only the sucker-tube works! Roomie has been on her hands and knees vacuuming the rug with only that sucker hose and the brush attachment. One time, she was even doing it in her panties!!!.... I told you she liked it.
After weeks of ranting and raving about getting a new vacuum.... For some reason I can only say vacuum in my best Temple Grandin voice now, I wish you could hear it. Anyways, it came time to head to Wally World and check out their selection. Prepared to spend at least $100, Roomie and I were STOKED to find a brand new Dirt Devil for only FIFFFTY DOLL-HAIRSSS! What a steal! I had some gift cards, and it worked out perfectly.
That night.... I want you to know.... I vacuumed. My. Ass off. I think my right shoulder was sore from tossing that damn Dirt Devil into every nook and cranny in this apartment. The best part, is that it doesn't have bags like our old piece. I emptied the tornadic dirt canister into the trashcan, and that was all. Our long awaited vacuum sesh lasted for hours, used 8 different outlets, filled 4 canisters (Baxter and new carpet, not all just dirt), and flooded TWO basements. Vacuuma Matada!
Where did all my funny go!?!
Looking back on the things I used to have to say... I'm starting to wonder what happened to that load of bullshit stories that would surge out of my fingertips, and into this keyboard. Is it because I had just gotten my sweet ass MacBook Pro, and I thought I was the shit? Now I still owe money on it, and it pisses me off, so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's because I go through phases; hooping, painting, partying, scrap-booking, cooking, wood working, etc. Maybe it's because I have found newer, more important, and even greater things to be passionate about. It's definitely not because I have found someone to sit and listen to all this crap I have to say.
Anyway... If you're bored at work, and you're a new follower... go back into some old school shit and tell me what you think.
You can get to the rest of the months through the archive on the right side :) Thanks for reading, Mom!
Sissy Nancy Panda Bear... Apparently, you didn't read this the first time.
Gentlemen,
Please don't take a girl out to eat and order a salad, a wrap, or any herbavore-ish type meal. WHAT A TURN OFF!!! Try to impress the lady, not make her think you are a huge pansy. Then she can't get the Chicken Fried Steak she wanted, and will spend the rest of the night wondering how often you eat like an eff'ing sissy. Girls want a man who can protect them in the streets, a man who devours steaks, and large quantities of protein. Girls want a strong hearty-eatin grizzly bear, NOT a sissy nancy panda bear.
Cookie
It took me 2 months to find her... but friend-requesting every "Cookie" in the New Orleans area finally paid off. This angel shown above contributed to one of the best days I have had in my entire life. Not only did she compliment my mask, my ginger hair, and my vibrant personality.... she also gave me a perfect doobie out of the kindness of her heart. Miss you, Cooks ;)
The Amazing Allysini
Ughhhh, I am really trying to post those videos on here, but I can't get it to work. One day....
Teen Mom
I am SICK AND TIRED of every show on television being about pregnant teens!!!!! It's effing ridiculous! This long awaited blog rage is spurred on by a quick look at MTV On Demand. TRUE LIFE: I'm pregnant. TRUE LIFE: I had an abortion. Teen Mom 2: After Jail. That 17 year old trashball is making mid 6-figures, and has been in and out court fighting for the right to even see her daughter. But ohhh, she's in the club. She found some new boyfriend, and is allegedly doing drugs. She miraculously lost 57 pounds, got a life-size tattoo of her daughter, and has the hottest new shit. Barf. in. my. face.
I have never really seen the show for more than about 7 minutes. I just started to google the main Teen Mom that I know of, recalling her name from one of the 16 Magazine covers she has been on in the past 3 months. Truth. Her name popped up first before I even typed the first 3 letterse. It makes me sick how much attention she is getting.... along with the other 2 dozen young teen moms recently featured.
The worst part about this mess being blasted across the country is what I like to call T.M effing I. How is it okay to introduce all these horrible/personal/serious/adult life choices to little girls who haven't even been to tampon class in the fifth grade? Any kid can go to MTV and see "that older pretty girl" and think how badass it is that she is on TV. She is getting married, and her Mom even lets HER boyfriend sleep over. He even bought a fake piece of shit ring that "little Susie watching MTV" thinks she wants one day.
How am I going to keep my children away from this CRAP!?! When I was a kid, I was doing Steve Urkel impressions, and watching DJ Tanner learn life lessons about boyfriends and eating disorders. She wasn't gettin' nasty and knocked up in her room while Jessie and Becky were supposed to be babysitting. hahaha... Danny would have had a fucking heart attack!
Auntie Ally
Because I miss all of my PRESSSSSHHHH nieces, nephews and Godchildren soooo much.... I think I will do a tribute :)
This is P & B. Preslee and Blain. They belong to my nearest and dearest friend, Magen.
Blain is a sweetheart, but will be breaking hearts in no time ;)
Preslee... she is a free spirit like her Auntie Ally :)
This is Amyah Jade, of Kristin "K-Mill" Hammond. She is the smartest kid I have ever met in my life. She is two years old, and can have conversations like a 7 year old. It's absolutely nuts!
When their Moms let them hang out, I like to call them "A-Town" and P-Money". They have a lot of fun and I think it's awesome that they will be long-time friends simply because their Moms will be. I guess they can baby sit Auntie Ally's kids...?
They LOVE hanging out with their Krazy Auntie Krystal. She is also a free spirited Auntie, and they sure will love to come hang out with us when we are old and still partying balls. I hope.
This is Brynlee Bear. She is a miracle baby! She was the first baby out of all of my closest friends and she has the most hilarious personality! Bryn runs shit around her house!
This is Khloe Bear, and she has gotten so much bigger than the one time I got to meet her, on the day she was born. Hopefully that will change soon :(
These are the twins, and below is their older brother Watson. These little cowboys moved down South, but I do my best to creep on their mother's facebook page as much as possible! Miss all of you little shits! I can't wait til your Mom lets me hang out with you alone... one day!
Hair Feathers in Austin, TX!
You know you want some feather fun in YOUR hair, everybody's doin' it!!!Call or e-mail to make an appointment.
Allyson Maxey
512.968.7926
allyson.maxey@gmail.com
sometimes... when I'm in a meeting with someone, and I feel like it's a waste of my time, I start to freak out inside. I want to scream really loud, throw my shit across the room, and be like, I.don't.have.effing.time.for.this! Quit telling me about your effing dog and your grandkid, I'm 25 and i dont give a CRAP! I wear 27 hats, I have shit to do, so tell me what you've got and lets move the heck on!
So, I start thinking all of these crazy thoughts in my head about how mad I am, and then she is like, maam? and catches me not even listening at all. my bad.
does this make me a bad ass office manager? maybe.
Do yourself a favor this week, and don't let anyone waste your time, besides yourself!!!
I'm baaaaacccckkkkk!!!
After three long months of desertion and lame nothingness, I have decided to start blogging again. I don't even know how to describe what I have been doing for all this time. What on earth could take me away from my blogging???
Well, I have changed jobs, traveled my ass off, been to dozens of shows/festivals, still... made surprising progress with my journey to adulthood, done a photo shoot, jumped out of an airplane, fallen in love with Bassnectar and anything with a dirty as bassline... WOMP, started eating healthier, remained loyal to Dr. Pepper though, discovered my inner hooper, partied my ass off, missed the SHIT out of my parents,
... and I bet you're really fuckin' excited to hear alllllll about it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of my very first Thanksgiving away from home, I thought I'd give everyone a little gobble gobble. That could have been a lot punnier, but the next 300 words will do that just fine.
Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.....
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat at the table.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. You think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
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