Tim Duncan's face is so huge!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
DO YOU!
My friend is reading the book, "The Art of Seduction". It totally sounds like a porno-move Kama Sutra book, but it's not. It's about the psychology behind getting someone to like you back. The summary says, "This book covers the rules of a timeless, amoral game and explores how to cast a spell, break down resistance, and, ultimately, compel a target to surrender."
How twisted is that? If someone doesn't like you, for whatever reason, then trying to "cast a spell" on them is not going to make things much better. Shara and I joke about "hypnotizing", but that's a whole different story. Though I have struggled with my independence, and stalker-esque hunting tactics, I do believe that reading a book to learn better tactics is slightly ridiculous.
Luckily, I think 499 out of every 500 guys are a douche, so it's not often that I get presented with this problem. When I finally do meet one worth liking, I have to go into it with the assumption that he will see my daily outrageousness and run with terror. Sorry dude, I just do me, and if you can't handle a little bit of the Swan, then it really is a good idea to abort immediately. As "someone" and I were discussing how crazy this book was, my friend told me what they book says about the "loud, funny, witty, creative type".
Basically, the book tells this type of girl that the only way to get a guy to like you is to "become more dull". I want to cry. How can this be a good piece of advice? Since when has it ever been a good idea to change yourself for someone else. Unless it's dropping the bottle, getting a stronger deodorant, or becoming a better person, DON'T EVER change yourself so a guy will like you. I have spent my entire life giving 110% towards being my own person, standing out, and being the exact opposite of anything normal or dull. I think it's kind of disgusting that the author thinks they have some kind of power to give people incredibly shitty advice.
You gotta DO YOU people, all day, regardless! DO YOU!
Did you really just poke me? I sure hope not! Maybe you have a virus, and some hacker poked all of your friends. Hopefully. Surely you don't still think it's 2004, and poking is still acceptable. I am pissed that your poke is just pending on my home page, and I even have to be given the option to poke you back.
Poke me again,
and I'm de-friending you.
Period.
INSOMNIAAAAAAA
Laying in bed.... staring at the wall.... thinking about how I can NEVER sleep. Sometimes, it's like my brain activates just as I try to lay down. I end up grabbing this computer, and typing ridiculous bullshit until 4am. I started to do some math (I love doing math in my head), and decided that I spend about 30-35 hours a week sleeping, depending on whether or not I have a lazy weekend day. If you're thinking that figure sounds funny, you're absolutely right! That averages out to between 4 & 5 hours a night. Crazy, I know but I'm totally cool with that! I have always been that way, I actually get it from my mother. Why sleep when you can be doing so many productive things, right? I have gotten so deep into an arts & crafts project, that I didn't go to bed at all!!! I have sat down to update my status before bed, and found myself with a 2,000 word blog by 4:30 in the morning, in NO time! It's crazy. Sometimes an idea will hit me just before I finally drift off, and I can't settle back down without grabbing my computer, or atleast saving a short reminder in my phone. If it gets too quiet, and the room is too dar, I sometimes find myself playing a game on my phone, or downloading some apps. I have a problem, but I feel like I need all of the time that I utilize while not asleep.
UNTIL.... the morning rolls around. I HATE getting out of bed. This has been a problem of mine since I can remember. As an adolescent, my dad would barge into my room and scream at me multiple times a day. I would scream and verbally assault him the first 3 times, then finally hop up the 4th time, and not remember anything before that. It was awful riding to school with Mark the Shark, pissssssed off because I had apparently called him an eff'ing loser, without even knowing it.
To this day, I have to dig deep within every bit of my being to find the strength to pull my ass out of bed. I can snooze with the best of 'em. I am infamous for setting multitudes of annoying alarms, and sleeping through them. I have had roomies come in and be my wake-up call because all of my alarms woke them up. I have been late to more classes and now, work, than you could imagine. It's so annoying. Thank goodness I can spruce up in a jiffy!
I feel bad for people who dislike Lil Wayne
1. You obviously have shitty taste in music, and can't recognize a world class lyricist.
2. You can't escape him! He is everywhere! Lil Wayne has guest starred in probably 500 songs since the New Year. Good luck with that.
2. You can't escape him! He is everywhere! Lil Wayne has guest starred in probably 500 songs since the New Year. Good luck with that.
A REAL man has great shoes!
I am a shoe person. Not only do I choose to have fly kicks, as on-the-reg as possible, I also love to look at other people's shoes. See it? Shoe... Person! I look at peoples shoes all the time. It's a wonderful judge of character, actually.
When my roomie and I were talking about a guy at the gym, I was like, "The guy with back high-top Jordans?", and she was like, "I have no idea, weirdo, I have never looked at his shoes."
Guys should always have fresh shoes. There's not much variety in "jeans and a shirt", and you can only have so many polo's and graphic tees. The only way to truly differentiate yourself is to have kick ass shoes. All the time. Sneakers are of utmost importance, the ultimate deal breaker for me.... I don't even have to go there.... but there are some other key ingredients to a REAL man's shoe collection.
1.You need some boots. Some big, manly, tough boots. Boots that you can take outside and do some real sexy man stuff in. Cowboy or not, getchyou sum boots!
2.Dress shoes are also a big deal, hafta be clean, current, and match your belt, PLEASE! Don't be afraid to drop some real cheese here.
3.Outdoor shoes. The kind of shoes you can wear hiking/biking/Green-belting/living your life on the edge shoes.
4.Every man should have some sandals. Some don't like them, and wouldn't wear a flip-flop to save their life. What's up with that. Maybe it's just a Lubbock Cowboy thing, but seriously, get some sandals. I'm not gonna watch you wear your old 2004 Air Max's at the lake, you look retarded.
5.The 2nd sexiest kind of shoe, under fresh sneakers, is a a casual shoe. For some, it's a Sperry, but please don't buy anymore Sperry's people. There are many other sexy cashzz (abbreve for casual, Mom) kicks.
Summer of the Single Ladies
Call me tacky, and vain, but I don't care. YES, I counted how many people told me Happy Birthday on my facebook wall. So what? You know you have thought about it. Honestly, it was incredibly humbling. I found myself growing more and more thankful as the e-mails came in. I have been thinking about it for days, and want to devote all of my time to returning such great friendship like I received on my Birthday. I couldn't be any happier in life right now, and all of it is due to the wonderful friends that surround me. Being away from my family and life-long friends is hard, but I can't say enough how thankful I am to have such ballerific friends here in Austin! This is the "Summer of the Single Ladies" and we're not gonna mess around.
Over-Sharer
Right at the peak of a 3-person mustache party, I had one of the greatest heart-2-hearts ever. We played a game of questions... NOT "The Guessing Game" (that's a totally different story) and the question was, "What is one thing you would change about yourself?" If you're imagining a sappy scene where you get somewhat emotional, and actually feel closer to your, also very intoxicated, friends.... you're right on the money. I think there was even a candle involved.
Anyways, enough about love, and onto hardcore character-flaw questions. I've thought about it, and obviously.... my problem is over-sharing. You reading this is pure proof of that. Do you really give a shit about a mustache party? Or a sweet little kitty? What about my mad cooking skills, and ridiculously useless facts? No, surely not. Luckily, I have my Mom and 13 followers.
(And yes, that last sentence was, in fact, a reverse-psychology marketing ploy. JC, there's GOT to be more than 13 of you little assholes! Still dreamin' of a book with my name on it.)
Wittle Kitty
Okay, I have a confession to make. I think I want a Wittle Kitty. I have spent my entire life HATING cats.... but it was when I met little Maddi Bear that I knew I could love a Persian kitty. This is a totally different animal to me. I must just HATE domestic short haired cats. She makes me melt at first sight. She looks like she is on a cartoon, and I want to cuddle and love her forever. I think it would be easier than a puppy, which we all know that I cannot handle. ***Love you, Luscious Constantine III & Walter Maxey***
So, anyways, I did a ton of research/shopping on kitties for like 7 hours one day. I layed on Shara's bed, and surfed the web for Persians until my arms were asleep. People were beginning to tell me to get a grip on myself. I.WANT.ONE.RIGHT.NOW! When Jess' phone rang, I answered it on speaker since I was stationed by the wall plugs, geeking out like a War Craft loser over eff'ing kitties!?! I pretended as if I were Jess, and the guy asked, "What are you doing?" Trying not to laugh uncontrollably, I knew that this could become an awesome conversation. I very calmly let him know that I was "surfin' the web for cute Wittle Kitty pictures all day."
Luckily, no one in the Austin, San Antonio, Houston, or DFW area had a decent kitty for me that Sunday, because Shara and I were rootin' for a road-trip. Just like the above mentioned puppies, I have been known to get urges like this before. I have a shitty track record with pets, except for rasing a prize hog. ***Love you, Buford***
I got over it as soon as I saw all of the hair on Maddi Bear's Mommy's black jacket though. Love u Moe :) You still look smokin' hott with Kitty hair on you. (I can't stop, I'm an over-sharer) So, the moral of the story is; Look how eff'ing cute this Wittle Kitty is.
The Carstache
These people are amazing. I want to meet the fools who came up with this. Not only because it's awesome, and I want the Ginger-stache, but ALSO because they have an amazing mission statement, and pretty legit business know-how. The website is great! Be sure to check out their story, and blog. FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!
You can find me at The Greening Law Firm, P.C...... doin' work.
There aren't even words to describe how freakin' excited I am about my new job. Things are crazy, and they have happened pretty damn fast and unexpectedly, but I'm more ready than ever. I do my best in challenging situations, and this, my 10 followers, is a challenge. I am super amped about grabbing this opportunity by the horns and kicking ass.
You can find me at The Greening Law Firm, P.C...... doin' work.
Swan's History Class: April 14th
Today is McDonald's 55th Birthday, and tonight.... 98 years ago.... the Titanic sank. Or is it sunk? Whatever, anyways... about 24 years ago Saturday, my mom's water broke. Happy Birthday, me!!! (Technically Sunday, since I didn't show up til after midnight :)
I would never cheat on my iPhone like that!
I got a watch for my birthday in an attempt to delay my boss seeing the bright blue bird on my wrist.... Should be pretty awesome when I'm dropping my kids off at soccer practice. I have worn the watch for almost a week now, and looked at it constantly. This is maybe the third watch I have EVER owned, so it's new to me. As I sat here tonight on my patio, watching the beautiful MK hands tick... I realized that I have never once looked at the watch for a time reference. I have looked at it in awe, I have looked at it for a scratch check, I have looked at it to reassure that I chose the right one, and I have even looked at it just for the sake of looking at my watch. But I swear I have NEVER looked at it to see what time it was. I would never cheat on my iPhone like that!
The Allygator
After turning 15, the main thing that was on my mind was getting a car. I was at the prime of my teenage rebellion, and for some odd reason, I thought that adding 2 tons of metal and speeds excessing 80 mph would make my life better. I couldn't wait to get my permit, and luckily my parents let me do the "at-home" driver's ed. They never made me read a single paragraph, and often supported their lack of instruction by saying, "It's okay, she's been driving 4-wheelers, and a golf cart her whole life." AWESOME!
I wasn't sure when they were gonna bust out with the new whip, so I made sure that they knew the guidelines before hand. 1. Every girl I know has a mustang, so I DO NOT WANT A MUSTANG. 2. ALL I WANT IS A BUG! Lime. Green. Bug. Period. There were no other options, I knew it was meant to be, and I even started crafting kick-ass flower arrangements to put in my bug-vase. One day, my mom came home and essentially suggested that she had a surprise in the driveway for me, that was green with wheels. I ran outside, and found a toy lime green bug on the ground. I was pissed. Months passed, and my parents weren't pulling through on the car. I began to get worried. I'm about to get my license, my grades are top notch, and they have no idea that I spend my weekends drinking excessively and experimenting with drugs.... so what's the freakin' hold up???
It was a Saturday night, and I couldn't wait to hit the town. I always had to struggle to find someone who would come pick me up from the Maxey Farm in BFE, so I began to get ready and look for a ride. All of the sudden, my mom burst into my room with a flash of fury. I had no idea what she was raging on me about, typical for 2002, but there was no reasoning with her. I was NOT going out, NOT even for a little bit, and I needed to go to BED! Bed??? WTF? This is when I knew something was up. My mom hadn't told me to go to bed in years, and was treating me like shit for no reason. Usually that was a result of me and my "hormonal-teen-years", so I cried myself to sleep in confusion.
At 2:00am that night, a group of people burst into my room. They blindfolded me, tied me up, and carried me to my mom's car. They were laughing and eff'ing with me the entire time, and boasting about how they were taping this whole scene. I was so confused, and upset. Crying, I asked everyone WHY they were doing this to me, and they said it was because I had been such a bitch lately. Wow. They informed me that they would be taking me to "The Pet Cemetery", yes, you heard me, a pet cemetery. The car stopped, and they dragged me out, kicking and screaming, and sat me down in......
MY NEW CAR! What a trickster my mom is! I scream in excitement, and rip off my blindfold. What do I see in front of my face, but a shiny eff'ing Mustang on the steering wheel. You've GOT to be kidding me! I glance over the hood to see the color. Green. Okay, I like green. Breathe. Woo-sahhhhhh Allyson, woo-sah. Yes, I was a total brat, unappreciative, and ridiculous, I know. I was 15, geez. I look around the ride, cloth seats, definitely gonna be hard to hide the cig smoke smell, but I can work with that. I noticed that there was no CD player and asked, "Does anyone have any cassette tapes?" My Mom should have slapped me, but luckily she was too busy getting all of this on camera.
Despite my bitching, I was still so thankful to have a car. FREEDOM! In typical Allyson-over-the-top style, I covered that car in flare before the sun came up. I had green beads on the rear view, and a hand-full of Lady Pirate Sports, and trashy country music stickers on the back. I decided I would name him "The Allygator", and adorned him with some stuffed alligators in the back, an alligator wheel cover, and I even stuck a Ginger-Barbie-Head on my antenna. True life.
I drove THE shit out of that car. I took it mudding, I spinned it in circles, and I punched about 7 holes in my styrofoam bumper, which all mysteriously took the shape of a ball hitch. Weird. I scratched it, other people scratched it, I dinged my doors, I ravaged the under-carriage, I abused the pedals, and I even threw some sick ass screw-loosening speakers in there, so Lubbock haha. The car was ready to go for the big B-day, and so was I. I had it in my head that I was going to wear a tube-top for my license picture so I looked naked. It worked. Waving goodbye to my Mom, and pulling out of the DPS, I became a new woman. I lit up a cig, and kicked off the first day of the rest of my life. All day, I couldn't wait to drive after school. All my other friends, already driving, made plans to meet me after school and watched me leave the parking lot in The Allygator. I buckled my seatbelt, and put the shoulder strap under my arm so I could feel cooler for looking like I wasn't really wearing it. This looks suspicious to the State Trooper sitting on Woodrow road, so yes, he pulls me over on my 16th birthday. I explain that I did, in fact, have my seatbelt on, and he let me go. I continue on. I head down Indiana at 50 mph.... the speed limit is 40 mph. Yessssssssss..... I get pulled over for the SECOND time on my 16th birthday. My friends all pass by at this point freaking out with laughter. Luckily, I cried my little birthday ass out of it, and head on to my friend's house. Holy cow, how does that even happen to someone?
I grew to love The Allygator, and he did me well over the course of about a year and a half. This was all until I realized that Mustangs are basically made out of aluminum foil. It was a hot Summer day, and also the 3rd time I had ever tried the Devil's Lettuce. Mary Jane. Krypto-chrono-konolike. Pot, Mom! I had just left a pool party, where I was tossed into the pool in my jeans. My jeans were in the back seat, and I was wearing boy-shorts and a tank top. AWESOME! I was on a residential street, oddly enough the same street that my rent-house in Lubbock is on, Elgin. The Pizza Hut delivery Exploder in front of me turned on his right blinker, and began to go right. I sped around him just as he changed his mind and decided to go left. BAYUMM! It was slow-mo craziness. I walked around the wreckage and yelled obsenities for 45 seconds before I remembered that I was in my panties. The situation grew shittier and shittier by the second. As I go to my back seat to grab my wet jeans, I see the 30 pack of Keystone Light that I had also forgotten about. I call my friend who lives down the street, and prepare for all that can go terribly wrong with this situation.
1. Have you ever tried to put wet jeans on?
2. The cop showed up in record timing.
3. A 30-pack does not fit easily into a back-pack.
4. This cop does not like my distraction-tactic jokes.
5. My hood just stayed attached to the Exploder when the tow-truck pulled them apart.
Wow. I was missing a hood, bumper, and one front fender. I studied the damage and insisted to the cop that I could still drive home. Not happening. I called my Dad, and the next 2 weeks of my life sucked terribly. Sometimes..... I really do miss that piece.
Okay, so.... you know how sometimes, when you try to access something unsecure on the internet, it will prompt you to "re-type the words shown above"??? It happens to me when I am trying to post pictures or links on a site, which is like 400 million times a day. It looks like Microsoft WordArt mixed with a Mossimo shirt.
Anyways, it's usually two completely unrelated words, and also usually very uncommon words. Recently, though, I feel like the words have become more relatable. They are easier to recognize, more likely to be paired up. Hmmmm, weird. Today my words were "to compton". I liked it.
Handbook to Life
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts over things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. Be grateful for what you have been given.
18. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
21. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away (like algebra class) but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Each day give something good to others.
26. Forgive.
27. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. God heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
38. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. God heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
38. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Okay, you're a Goon, what's a Goon to a Goblin?
Don't forget about your true friends. Write Lil' Wayne a letter!
Eric M. Taylor Center (EMTC)
Dwayne Carter NYSID# 02616544L
10-10 Hazen Street
East Elmhurst, NY 11370
Relentless
I feel like I keep talking about douche-bags at the gym, but HOLY COW!!! It's like a curse or something... they surround us! My new gym, as of a month ago, is ridiculously awesome. It's brand new, smells like fresh rubber, and has a flat-screen in every square 2 feet. I'm more of a music person, but feel much stronger and faster next to pure LCD. It's LEGIT, for sure. Exceeeeeeeeppptttt.... for this Russian douche bag! He is out of control! At least 3 hours of intense work-out a day, and another 3 hours down there talking your freaking ear off. RELENTLESS! My roomie made the mistake of being too friendly initially, and now he won't let her do anything down there. The most ridiculous part is that last week, he even felt so comfortable as to tell her that her arms were flabby. He gave her some exercise tips, and she somehow sat through it. This is where we are different. I would have verbally assaulted his ass!
As I was laying by the pool last weekend with some friends, he ended his work-out with some time in the sun. He circled the pool, and checked out the scenery for a good 4 minutes, never removing his intense headphones. He chose a lay-out chair in the water, and prepared for show off. Though he was spreading his towel along a chair by us.... he walked over to a separate chair (directly in the viewing line of everyone at the pool). This is where he would disrobe. He faced away from us, and muscled off his beater with the classic arm-cross style, basically flexing every single muscle in his back. It felt like one of those body builder competitions. This is when I notice how incredibly top heavy this fool is. Do some legs, bra! He is still wrestling with his wife beater.... it's taking almost a minute. Geez! Now that the shirt is off, he can put his headphones back on, BUT it is not time to leave the stage yet. After a mandatory 2 minute session of back, oblique and arm stretches, he retires to his lounge chair. Luckily, there is a fountain between us and him, so I get a chance to explain to my friends what a dick he was with the "flabby arms" comment last week. 15 minutes later he was doing ab exercises ON his lounge chair IN the pool. The man is DILIGENT, I give him that much. But please, sir, keep to yourself during MY work-out time. Thanks.
Okay, obviously, this isn't my picture.... I am using it to give you an idea of what went on in my car for approximately 25 minutes after I purchased a CAR STICKY PAD!!! Holy Hotdogs! These things are incredible! I don't know if they're made out of Flubber or what, but they freakin' work. You can literally "hang" something from your dashboard just by setting it on a sticky pad. Vertical surface? No problem! All my days of fumbling shit around my car are over. I might even use one to hang something on the wall in my apartment!
Thank you, BLev, for the tip!
SUP'ing, Stand Up Paddling :)
After running at Town Lake this morning, I was by myself, done with my lunges, waiting for Kelli to run a freakin' marathon route, and watching the SUP'ers. I have been seeing them for weeks now, and wanting to do it so bad. So, today, I buried my fear of water, and signed up. COOLEST thing I have ever done! Though I was scared at first, it really isn't that hard. You hafta stay balanced, of course, but it's like riding a bike after that. I soon master the speed paddle, the spin-turn, and even did a little moving around on my board. In 45 minutes, I paddled like 2 miles, and had the time of my life! I started to head back, and feel the kick-ass arm and oblique work-out I was getting. The sun was on my Ginger skin, and I felt like a million bucks. As I stopped to soak in all that is my awesome Saturday, just before I pulled back into dock..... BAYUM! Imbalance hit me like a ton of bricks! The water was chilly, so I had my ass right back up in no time. My work-out gear was no match for the lake, and my wife-beater quickly sank to my knees with all of 20 pounds. I paddled back to shore, walked bare-footed back to the car, met Kelli, and was still over-come with happiness. We went to my fave place, Galaxy Cafe, and I was so soaking wet and cold! But I don't care! I LOVE SUP'ing!!!
Here is the only downfall; Town Lake is riddled with diseases and disgustingness. I CANNOT fall in that lake again! Anyone who hears you went into that lake automatically goes, "Ewwww, gross, you're gonna get sick!" GREAT! I love hearing that. I went immediately into a chlorine pool just to be safe. This won't stop me from SUP'ing again, though! You can find me there, next Saturday :)
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