The amazing Allysini: January 2011

Gym: A shorter word for 'place where douche bags like to creep and exercise their ego'

I've written about this guy before... (I'll attach some of his stories below)... so naturally, tonight when I saw that he has taken up shadow boxing as a new way to occupy one of his 4 hours in the gym... I HAD to capture it. Oh, and incase you were wondering, he does do all of this with out ever taking his eyes off of himself in the mirror. You can't tell by the picture, but Rocky XIII over there is having a seriously intense boxing match with himself. Hysterical!

Dear Brazilian beef-fake douche bag that lives in the gym of Midtown Commons:

I have nothing to say to you.

Gym Douche experience #1

Gym Douche experience #2

How on Earth did I become friends with Conan The Mighty Corgi??? He has 1721 friends, most of which are actually OTHER corgis...

Vacuuma Matada!

I am NOT a clean person. I like to BE clean, but I do not like TO clean. Sometime's I let my hair get dirty, but that's only because it looks SO much better the second day... any girl will agree to that. If they don't it's because they get greasy roots too fast, and that sucks. I'd be pissed too.

Anyways... back to cleaning. I hate that crap. My roomie is a clean FREAK, so it works really well with our domestic chemistry. She takes care of me, and puts up with my messiness. It sounds terrible, I know, but she likes it. She totally likes it. Lately, I have been doing more "around the house", or trying to. I say trying, because my eff'ing vacuum has been eff'ing broken for a while. It has been on its' last leg for quite some time. Not only is it from Lubbock, Texas, this deep purple, 87 lb. Dirt Devil has like... 13 years behind it. No wonder only the sucker-tube works! Roomie has been on her hands and knees vacuuming the rug with only that sucker hose and the brush attachment. One time, she was even doing it in her panties!!!.... I told you she liked it.

After weeks of ranting and raving about getting a new vacuum.... For some reason I can only say vacuum in my best Temple Grandin voice now, I wish you could hear it. Anyways, it came time to head to Wally World and check out their selection. Prepared to spend at least $100, Roomie and I were STOKED to find a brand new Dirt Devil for only FIFFFTY DOLL-HAIRSSS! What a steal! I had some gift cards, and it worked out perfectly.

That night.... I want you to know.... I vacuumed. My. Ass off. I think my right shoulder was sore from tossing that damn Dirt Devil into every nook and cranny in this apartment. The best part, is that it doesn't have bags like our old piece. I emptied the tornadic dirt canister into the trashcan, and that was all. Our long awaited vacuum sesh lasted for hours, used 8 different outlets, filled 4 canisters (Baxter and new carpet, not all just dirt), and flooded TWO basements. Vacuuma Matada!

Where did all my funny go!?!

Looking back on the things I used to have to say... I'm starting to wonder what happened to that load of bullshit stories that would surge out of my fingertips, and into this keyboard. Is it because I had just gotten my sweet ass MacBook Pro, and I thought I was the shit? Now I still owe money on it, and it pisses me off, so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe it's because I go through phases; hooping, painting, partying, scrap-booking, cooking, wood working, etc. Maybe it's because I have found newer, more important, and even greater things to be passionate about. It's definitely not because I have found someone to sit and listen to all this crap I have to say.

Anyway... If you're bored at work, and you're a new follower... go back into some old school shit and tell me what you think.

2009's Blogs by AllySwan

January 2010's Blogs by AllySwan

You can get to the rest of the months through the archive on the right side :) Thanks for reading, Mom!

Sissy Nancy Panda Bear... Apparently, you didn't read this the first time.

Gentlemen,

Please don't take a girl out to eat and order a salad, a wrap, or any herbavore-ish type meal. WHAT A TURN OFF!!! Try to impress the lady, not make her think you are a huge pansy. Then she can't get the Chicken Fried Steak she wanted, and will spend the rest of the night wondering how often you eat like an eff'ing sissy. Girls want a man who can protect them in the streets, a man who devours steaks, and large quantities of protein. Girls want a strong hearty-eatin grizzly bear, NOT a sissy nancy panda bear.

Cookie

It took me 2 months to find her... but friend-requesting every "Cookie" in the New Orleans area finally paid off. This angel shown above contributed to one of the best days I have had in my entire life. Not only did she compliment my mask, my ginger hair, and my vibrant personality.... she also gave me a perfect doobie out of the kindness of her heart. Miss you, Cooks ;)

The Amazing Allysini

Ughhhh, I am really trying to post those videos on here, but I can't get it to work. One day....

Don't forget to feed my fish!!!

(Bottom right corner)

Teen Mom

I am SICK AND TIRED of every show on television being about pregnant teens!!!!! It's effing ridiculous! This long awaited blog rage is spurred on by a quick look at MTV On Demand. TRUE LIFE: I'm pregnant. TRUE LIFE: I had an abortion. Teen Mom 2: After Jail. That 17 year old trashball is making mid 6-figures, and has been in and out court fighting for the right to even see her daughter. But ohhh, she's in the club. She found some new boyfriend, and is allegedly doing drugs. She miraculously lost 57 pounds, got a life-size tattoo of her daughter, and has the hottest new shit. Barf. in. my. face.

I have never really seen the show for more than about 7 minutes. I just started to google the main Teen Mom that I know of, recalling her name from one of the 16 Magazine covers she has been on in the past 3 months. Truth. Her name popped up first before I even typed the first 3 letterse. It makes me sick how much attention she is getting.... along with the other 2 dozen young teen moms recently featured.

The worst part about this mess being blasted across the country is what I like to call T.M effing I. How is it okay to introduce all these horrible/personal/serious/adult life choices to little girls who haven't even been to tampon class in the fifth grade? Any kid can go to MTV and see "that older pretty girl" and think how badass it is that she is on TV. She is getting married, and her Mom even lets HER boyfriend sleep over. He even bought a fake piece of shit ring that "little Susie watching MTV" thinks she wants one day.

How am I going to keep my children away from this CRAP!?! When I was a kid, I was doing Steve Urkel impressions, and watching DJ Tanner learn life lessons about boyfriends and eating disorders. She wasn't gettin' nasty and knocked up in her room while Jessie and Becky were supposed to be babysitting. hahaha... Danny would have had a fucking heart attack!

Auntie Ally

Because I miss all of my PRESSSSSHHHH nieces, nephews and Godchildren soooo much.... I think I will do a tribute :)

This is P & B. Preslee and Blain. They belong to my nearest and dearest friend, Magen.

Blain is a sweetheart, but will be breaking hearts in no time ;)

Preslee... she is a free spirit like her Auntie Ally :)

This is Amyah Jade, of Kristin "K-Mill" Hammond. She is the smartest kid I have ever met in my life. She is two years old, and can have conversations like a 7 year old. It's absolutely nuts!

When their Moms let them hang out, I like to call them "A-Town" and P-Money". They have a lot of fun and I think it's awesome that they will be long-time friends simply because their Moms will be. I guess they can baby sit Auntie Ally's kids...?

They LOVE hanging out with their Krazy Auntie Krystal. She is also a free spirited Auntie, and they sure will love to come hang out with us when we are old and still partying balls. I hope.

This is Brynlee Bear. She is a miracle baby! She was the first baby out of all of my closest friends and she has the most hilarious personality! Bryn runs shit around her house!

This is Khloe Bear, and she has gotten so much bigger than the one time I got to meet her, on the day she was born. Hopefully that will change soon :(

These are the twins, and below is their older brother Watson. These little cowboys moved down South, but I do my best to creep on their mother's facebook page as much as possible! Miss all of you little shits! I can't wait til your Mom lets me hang out with you alone... one day!