What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about???
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sometimes... when I'm in a meeting with someone, and I feel like it's a waste of my time, I start to freak out inside. I want to scream really loud, throw my shit across the room, and be like, I.don't.have.effing.time.for.this! Quit telling me about your effing dog and your grandkid, I'm 25 and i dont give a CRAP! I wear 27 hats, I have shit to do, so tell me what you've got and lets move the heck on!
So, I start thinking all of these crazy thoughts in my head about how mad I am, and then she is like, maam? and catches me not even listening at all. my bad.
does this make me a bad ass office manager? maybe.
Do yourself a favor this week, and don't let anyone waste your time, besides yourself!!!
I'm baaaaacccckkkkk!!!
After three long months of desertion and lame nothingness, I have decided to start blogging again. I don't even know how to describe what I have been doing for all this time. What on earth could take me away from my blogging???
Well, I have changed jobs, traveled my ass off, been to dozens of shows/festivals, still... made surprising progress with my journey to adulthood, done a photo shoot, jumped out of an airplane, fallen in love with Bassnectar and anything with a dirty as bassline... WOMP, started eating healthier, remained loyal to Dr. Pepper though, discovered my inner hooper, partied my ass off, missed the SHIT out of my parents,
... and I bet you're really fuckin' excited to hear alllllll about it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of my very first Thanksgiving away from home, I thought I'd give everyone a little gobble gobble. That could have been a lot punnier, but the next 300 words will do that just fine.
Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.....
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat at the table.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. You think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
I love salad bars! Making your own plate is exhilarating, and having endless options is the ish. I like a simple salad with green onions, tomatoes, feta cheese, balsamic dressing, and artichokes. Those 5 ingredients will make a pretty delish salad, but if you want to make it over the top, you need to add the one ingredient that makes any salad phenomenal..... sunflower seeds. I could eat a mountain of sunflower seeds. Nothing sucks worse than building a fab salad, and getting to the end to discover that they don't have sunflower seeds. I will ditch the salad and go get something else, no doubt.
I discovered my love for salad bars at an early age, when my grandparents took me to Mr. Gatti's. Though I realized later in life how measly their selection was, I still looked forward to that salad bar every week. That was back in my ranch dressing days, which really goes well with sunflower seeds. I soon learned of Souper Salad, and realized how much the salad bar world had to offer. Souper Salad was my jam, until I threw my Texas Tech themed retainers into the trash one day. Since this was the 7th set of ridiculously expensive retainers my parents had to pay for, you can imagine their fury as I screamed half-way back home. Mark the Shark slammed on the breaks, and my Mom ripped me three new ass-holes on the way back to the restaurant. She escorted me inside, and helped me demand that the terrified cook let us take the trash into our possession. Diggin through the trash, I cried as I thought about all of those people out front waiting to see if my Mom brought me back out alive or not.
It was a sad sad day at that Lubbock, Texas Souper Salad. I had a hard time going back after the horror. Luckily, I soon heard of Zookini's, and realized that Souper Salad is the ass of salad bars. My ongoing love for salad has remained a constant in my life, as I have now discovered Whole Foods and Leaf. I have decided that my Arts and Crafts business will also head-up the world's greatest salad bar/bars nationwide. Be there.
Hey Douche! Sweet Porche!
I'm having a really hard time with this. I have so many stories that I want to tell, but can't. I can't talk shit about people (bad dates) when they know that it's me. Ugh, I knew I never should have accepted his friend request! As much as I would feel terrible about telling my 5 followers what a lame date he was, I still want to tell them sooooo badly! You wouldn't believe some of the stories! How long is the appropriate amount of time that I should wait before I roast a douche-date? A week? A month? Never? What about right now? Okay, okay, I'll tell you.
I had the WEIRDEST 3 hours with the BIGGEST douche-bag a couple weeks ago. I met his guy at the Greenbelt one weekend, and was forced into one of those awkward can-I-get-your-number situations. Though hesitant, I thought it might be okay since we talked about both being artists. When he told me that he had a welder, I was hopeful that we could become friends and arts-n-crafting buddies. He was diligent. He facebook requested me before I got home. He wanted to show me his studio by Tuesday, and even offered to come get me from work. As I walked outside, I realized that his demand for picking me up was so that I could see his convertible Porche. Cool, dude. I arrived at his AWESOME house with my freshly wind-blown afro, and was quickly reminded that men are always about 4 years less mature than their age. Ready to get back to my car, I cried inside as he proposed a bite to eat on the way back to my office. Grrrrrreat, this should be fun.
You wouldn't even believe it. Fun. as. shit! We went to a Mexican Food restaurant that made Taco Taco in San Antonio seem like Abuelo's. He immediately pulled the Sissy Nancy Panda Bear act, and said that he just hadn't been able to eat much lately since his tummy was hurting. Going on the 3rd hour I had ever spent with the guy, he began to ask questions about my past relationships and life. I knew it had to end soon. We walked up to the register to pay, and our meal was $17. HE ASKED ME IF I MINDED LEAVING THE TIP!!! Despite the fact that he used his card, he thought it would be cool if I could throw down some cash. Are you eff'ing kidding me?
Glad to be on the way back to my car, I am releived that the windy ride is too loud for conversation. Wup! Not for this guy! He screams questions about my religion, which is a tough subject for me to express my opinions on. At first I was scared to offend him, but then saw it as an opportunity to make a fine impression for myself. Nothin' better than an awkward I'm-an-athiest convo.
The next question stunned me, "so..... on a scale from 1-10..... what do ya give me?" I didn't even know how to answer. Sick of his every being, I told him he was an 11, no doubt. Calls and texts persisted for a while, but I think he finally got the hint. I guess I will find out once I blast this story on facebook.
Ding Ding Ding
What is the ONE thing that no sport can go without? Whether it be a toot, ding, buzz, or dong, you've gotta make some sort of noise in order to get shit accomplished in any game.
So in the words of Lil Jon ,
"Blow the Whistle!"
Bros Icing Feauxs!!!
Attention everyone!!! David Becker is an Ice-Cheater, and has no right to participate in Bros Icing Bros, Hoes Icing Bros, or any other form of that dynamite-ass game. Pictured above, you can see David consuming an illegal Ice. This photo was taken no more than 36 hours after David REFUSED an Ice from me at his home address. David slammed the door in my face while I attempted to Ice him at 11am last Friday morning. He is, therefore; EXILED from Icing!
Frito-Lazy
Stacy's Pita Chips are amazing, and I would never talk shit about Stacy.
Now that I have made that statement, I just want to say EFF the chip-packaging industry!!! I've spent my entire life wondering why chip bags come half-full. It's not always that I'm upset with the lack of chips, because I don't need that many chips anyways. BUTTTTT if you're going to fill half of the bag with air, then why don't you think Pringle, and try to save a little packaging material, you wasteful assholes. You're being so human right now with your lack of sympathy for all of the harm you're doing making those plastic/funky-foil bags. It's time to get real, and think of something different here, people!
HOLY HELL! Nothing makes me angrier than automated voice systems. Eff that technology. I don't care how much of a new-and-improved machine-lady you have, she still can't understand SHIT that I'm saying. It's impossible to get anywhere, accomplish anything, or speak to a human being. I find myself screaming crazily into the phone, "HUMAN! REPRESENTATIVE! REAL FRIGGIN PERSONNNNN!"
It brings out the worst in me, I'm not proud. I AM pissed, though, and I don't know how to avoid it. I used to default to pressing zero over and over again until I was connected to a human, but the more advanced systems have started blocking that option. Isn't the unemployment rate too high? Aren't there people EVERYWHERE looking for a job... ANY job? Someone should try out a new marketing campaign, and offer nothing but REAL people answering the phones. I'd switch any one of my contracts to a company who offered that!
Bayum! You just got iced! May 21-23
Well, the game plays on, haters. Icing is still just as cool as it was last weekend, and I still feel just as awesome about it. Smirnoff Ice is D-sgusting no matter who you are, but I am slowly beginning to learn that there are worse times than others to get Iced. The shit sucks, terribly, but drinking a few is totally worth the fun of Icing everyone else around you. If you haven't started in on the fun, then balls up, you need to!
Finally!!!! Kelli getting Iced :)
I LOVE THIS ONE! Cass looks so delighted. The thing is, these two are getting Iced at a bar. (For which we got in trouble, and almost kicked out. Be careful when bringing Ices into business establishments) Anyways.... this was in the evening, party mode, what's a Smirnoff gonna hurt when you're rippin shots?
THIS; however, is the shitty side of being Iced. This is what I found in my purse on Sunday afternoon, my head throbbing, dehydration nation, and the sight of that THIRTY TWO oz. Ice made me puke in my mouth. It was terrible, but it damn sure got me excited about Icing everyone who looked my direction during LOST!
Here is Jim, demonstrating the Napoleon Dynamite/Queer style Ice.
Luke is famous for the "No Pinky" Ice. Every time.
I just wanna say that this is some of the best form I have seen thus far!
This is the Mystery Ice. I have NO IDEA who this is, where it was, or if I had anything to even do with it. I picked this up sometime Saturday night, possibly on 6th, if anyone has any insight as to who this might be... please... let me know.
LOST, but NOT found.
Well, LOST is finally over. After SIX years of watching that crap, I can't say I'm glad I did it. I hate on myself pretty hard about wasting time watching television, and especially for becoming a huge geeky LOST fan, but this season was by far my favorite. Not because it was the end, and definitely not because it was the best season, but because I finally found the people I was supposed to be with in the ending. We had a kick-ass group of Losties, and made every Tuesday island-er-iffic with feasts and revelry.
I'm not a very religious person, so I was pretty disappointed with the ending. People guessed the "heaven/purgatory/hell" connotations in the FIRST season. Duh! I kept watching in hopes that they would use 6 years of crunk-ass mystery to leave us with something more than a little Bible beating. As much as I'd love to talk about all of the questions I am STILL left with, and give a million angry words on my opinions, I won't. I know that there aren't many people who will read it, and even less people who give a crap about LOST. Goodbye.
Bayum! You just got iced! May 14-16
If you don't know what I'm talking about here, you need to look around you. Icing is sweeping the nation, and my life is consumed by it. I want to Ice everyone I see. The more innocent and unexpected; the better. Ice your friends, Ice your family, Ice yourself! And someone PLEASE Ice Kelli!!!
I got iced at 10am, hungover, about to embark on a 6 hour road trip. Not driving, but still!
Naturally, before we started the road trip, Bryan and I thought it was best if we iced Cassie in bed first. 10:30am and good morning!
Cass with her wittle kitty. 10:42 am.
Only Schu can look so adorable while being iced.
and only Moe could look so fit.
Cuatro, with the Western Ice.
Iced LBK style; It's early, I'm ardy wasted, that's a THIRTY-TWO oz., my dress in on backwards, and I'm with a Handsome Huge Hatian Hoe. I feel bad about the Hoe part, but it was funny and it started with an H. Sorry Lava.
This Ice is somewhere in West Texas, nearing the end of the road-trip to Paradise.
This is P-Money getting Iced with Carnation.
You know what's weird? Fingerprints. Do you ever really check yours out? They're so perfect, and one of a kind. A few weeks ago I burnt the SHIT out of my thumb, and ended up with a GIANT blister on my perfect fingerprint! I immediately assumed that my print would be ruined, and never the same. BUT, over two weeks later, after the blister popped, the skin peeled off, and new perfect pink un-printed skin appeared..... my fingerprint came back! It was nuts!
Having the munchies and a Gas Card is about as good of a combo as Pop Rocks and soda. I go in for a few things, and leave with the entire convenient store! Though I am a seasoned verteran of the munchies AND impulse shopping, I still find myself making ridiculously unnecessary purchases. (Mom, I quit using your gas card for these reasons a LONG time ago, this is just material for the book that will one day put you up in the fanciest Nursing Home in Lubbock, Texas)
- Big Red may cause cancer and have more HFCS than WonkaLand, but the shit is delicious!
- Sometimes, all I need in my life is a Cherry Ring Pop.
- BUSTED magazine on the reg!
- As much as you USED to love pizza Lunchables.... the fun just isn't worth it!
- Scratch off tickets are a big weakness. Do you see me in an F5, flying my friends across the world? No. Stupid.
- Hershey's Skor is the best candy bar EVER, but turn that thing over and see if you ever wanna consume that much fat again.
- If they've got stickers, I want 'em.
- You can NEVER have enough bottled water.
- I am a hot dog FANATIC, but gas station hot dogs are only for hobos. Big mistake.
- No ice cream can ever be as awesome as Crunch Dibbs.
- Shell gas stations sell ultra rare Bic colors, the little tiny ones are so cute!
- I once found a weed grinder in the Miley Cyrus key chain section!
- I never liked not Cheeto's until Con Limon came along. True Love.
Snoop was on my Soap Opera!!!
Of all the lame things I waste my time doing, watching OLTL is one the most gay and ridiculous. For those of you who never spent the summer watching television with your grandma, or didn't spend many early afternoons in college without cable at your house, OLTL is One Life to Live, the greatest soap-opera there ever was. I started watching it with my friends Brittnee and Kathryn somewhere around 2005-ish. Though I have taken a few months off here and there, and now only watch 2 or 3 shows a week, that's still a GRIP of wasted life.... and I only have one life. to live.....
Ha! Anyways, the shit is ridiculous! I've seen everything from murdering sister bomb makers in a tornado with brain cancer, all the way to a sexy psycho doctor millionaire who got paralyzed but then performed his own spinal surgery. Enthralling, as you can see. Right now I'm watching the 2-part MUSICAL SPECIAL!!! I'm sitting here, and kicking myself for smiling ear-to-ear and singing along to We Belong by Pat Benetar. God, I love this show!
Pretty excited, regardless of how many people are trashing the line-up. Who can possibly turn down 3 straight days of bad-ass music? So what if you haven't heard of some of them before.The best thing about music is discovering something NEW to mix in your collection! You might surprise yourself, haters.
Hey Douche!
What makes you want to roll up the sleeves of your button-up shirt? The heat? A messy plate of nachos? Vein-popping forearms? Those are all acceptable reasons, BUT, showing off your fancy fag shirt is NOT. Going for the one-roll defeats the purpose of rolling your sleeves up in the first place.
Moral of the story; If the fabric on the inside of your shirt doesn't match the fabric on the outside, and you're not Cam from Modern Family, take your shit back to Fag Factory USA.
I talk a lot of shit about homeless people with no remorse. I stand behind my opinions on laziness, and self-destruction, but today... for the first time... I felt TRUE sadness for a bum. (That is also excluding all of the sadness I have experienced from watching bumfights.com.)
On my way to a friend's house, I struggled to see through a torrential down-pour. I noticed a homeless man walking down the sidewalk, and immediately switched lanes in order to avoid hitting him with a tsunami. Other travelers, however, did not show that same courtesy. They didn't even brake! It was enraging. People were splash-blasting hobos like it was a ride at Texas Water Rampage. The worst part was that the homeless man didn't even flinch as he got soaked to the bone. It caused me to shed a few tears.
Uh! Take that, ya dike........
My friend Shara is one of the most genuine people I know, so I really trust her judgement. I often call her for advice, and look to her for guidance. One day, she pointed out that sometimes I say really rude/ridiculous things without knowing it. Shit. She implied that it was directly correlated to my red-neck upbringing, but I think it is my lack of filter between brain and mouth. Either way, it sometimes gets me into sticky situations.
This weekend, I exercised my freedom of rude-ass speech to the fullest. As I was groovin' to some Spivey, I couldn't help but notice the douche-dancer between me and the stage. His moves were begging for me to kick him right in the ass. I walked up behind him, and mocked his style for a few 8-counts, but couldn't stop there. I reached my arm out, and gave him the Noogie of a life-time, knocking his sun-glasses right onto the dance floor. As I realized that this might offend a complete stranger, he whipped around to confront me.
BOOBS! It was a chick, and she was bowed-up like a bullfrog. Though I talk a big game, I am immediately terrified, and at a loss for words. Somehow, I manage to say,
"I'm so sorry, I thought you were a guy."
Are you kidding me? What the eff is wrong with me? As much as that deserved a hay-maker to the jaw, I bolted to take shelter behind the nearest friend-boy I could find. Luckily, I got away.
Uh! Take that, ya dike........
It's a GREAT day in the L-B-K!
Wow, I can't explain what is going on here... but I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks! WTF? Usually, I think of things to say on the daily, but lately my mind has been elsewhere. Maybe I have been experiencing writer's block, I dunno, I think you have to be an actual writer to catch that. Today, however, after a long weekend of euphoria, my next topic hit me light a freight train. LUBBOCK! Paradise. One of the greatest places on Earth!
As I road-tripped up there on Friday, my excitement grew faster than the heartburn from being iced that morning. I was sad about leaving before I even got there. Not only did I get to spend some QT with my family and friends (not enough), I also spent a good amount of time (the majority) partying like it was 2006, 8, and 9. I hit up all of my old spots, and reminisced over every square inch of that town. I drank my body-weight in vodka, and kissed over a dozen babies. I committed multiple crimes, and left completely unscathed by the law. It was epic.
Lubbock, Texas is more than just the town I lived in for 23 years. It is my own private Paradise. A miniature version of Las Vegas. It is a place where inhibitions fly out the window, and everyone you meet is as friendly as your favorite Grandma. Taco Villa resides on every street corner, and Broadway Avenue really does know how to put on a good show. The skies can be brown with dirt and cow-shit, but the patio parties don't skip a beat. Tailgates are unforgettable, and your favorite 50-year-old bartender has no problem giving your D-runk ass a ride home. There are no rules, no judgement, and Texas Tech girls make campus look like a Miss America pageant. Cool shit is popping up everywhere, and the awesomeness that is Lubbock keeps getting awesome-er every day.
As much as I LOVE it here in Austin, a small part of me will always want to be in Lubbock. I think I am going to lose my hard-ass attitude about staying away from there, and take every opportunity I get to go back. If you've never been, it's time to get real. Just do it.
Say whaaaaat?
In Youngstown, Ohio, it is illegal to run out of gas.
If you spell out every single number, beginning with one, you will NOT use the letter "a" until yo reach "one thousAnd".
It is estimated that at any given time, .07% of the World's population are drunk.
The inventor of the toilet flush: Thomas Crapper.
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If you spell out every single number, beginning with one, you will NOT use the letter "a" until yo reach "one thousAnd".
It is estimated that at any given time, .07% of the World's population are drunk.
The inventor of the toilet flush: Thomas Crapper.
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Ginger Magnet
There's 4 Gingers in this Post Office, should I run?
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Click On Me
Click here if you lived in the dorms.
Okay, I have to stop. If you made it this far, you have too much time on your hands. But thanks for tuning in!
The Shark Attacks!
You gotta love Mark the Shark!!! My little Sissy has been leaving her shoes all over the house, and he is PISSED about it. Tonight, he took all of her shoes, hung them over her ceiling fan blades, and set it on high. When she rolled in her room just now, and flipped the switch, she was pelted in the head with a sneaker! That'll teach her! haha
More funny commercials :)
This one had me laughing for a minute. Is that a talking dog?
Mom: "Did Taylor tell you she got a fake ID?"
Ally: "No, how did she get it? Ugh, it was so hard getting one as a Ginger!"
Mom: "It's sooo perfect! Looks just like her!"
MTS in the back: "That's a great 'parent' thing to say, dear!"
Immediately, I'm pissed. What are you saying? You have looked at it, and you're ok with it? Things sure have changed since I was a Senior in High School! Good thing you guys never had a third kid, or you'd be letting HER push dope and ravage your life savings! Real cool, Mom!
The Town Lake Animal Shelter is nuts. Miles of saddening wittle puppy faces. It's floorplan is laid out like an Ikea for homeless dogs. You walk through it in tears, with an adorably mangey new face around every corner. It was almost reminiscent of a scary Halloween corn-maze in Shallowater, Texas. I'm not gonna lie, even I teared up there today.
WHY does my horse taste like raisins, and WHERE is Chuck Norris!?!
Got some free time on your hands? Tired of facebook and already puked from chatRoulette? Well kids, there's a new pastime in town, and his name is Google Predictive Search Ideas. Have you noticed how when you're typing in a search, Google will begin to prompt you with a drop-down menu of things you might be looking for? It's incredible! Start off with one word, like a question word. Google will then give you the most popular recent searches beginning with that word. The things you see WILL surprise you! People are freakin' nut farms! Once you have exhausted all of the "W" words you can think of, start spicing it up a little. Type things like, "Why does my mom", or "Where is my", the possibilities are endless! Do yourself a favor, and test it out for a bit.
Allyson, Your Lubbock is Showing!!!
Sometimes I really let my true Red-Neck side come out at work, and my co-workers seem to find it pretty entertaining. Whenever I say something ridiculously country, they just tell me,
"Allyson, your Lubbock is showing!"
Stayin' at Stan's
This is my beautiful mother, and her father, Stan. My mom is so fun to mess with. In the past few years, I have grown to love torturing my mother in a different way than I always have. Rather than riddling her life with worry and constant delinquency, I have decided to take a new route to getting her all flustered; I just tell her about all of the terrible things that I did which she never found out about. She HATES it! I don't know if it's because she just doesn't want to hear about the terrible things I did, or because it makes her feel incredibly stupid and oblivious to her children's whereabouts and hobbies. It is definitely not because she did not expect those things of me. So, Mom, here is a little story about staying the night with Stan the Man.
Stan the Man is my incredibly kick-ass Grandpa. Coolest cat ever! Not only was he a chemical engineer for Budweiser, but he is also really funny.
Ally: "Gramps, did you get a haircut?"
Stan: "No, silly, I got ALL of them cut!"
Genius, really. He can play golf, clean pools, make amazing sandwiches, dis-assemble any electronic device (but it will probably never work again) and he LOVES him some Ally. Stan has had my back like you would not believe and I could never in a million years say how grateful I am for having him. I spent many years taking him for granted, being a smart-ass to him, and using him for his money, so I carry around 3 tons of guilt for the way I once treated him. I was such a damn brat, it disgusts me.
Stan lived in a neighborhood on 98th street, where ALL of my friends lived. I rode the school bus to Stan's every day after school, and spent all of my Summers at his house as well. I was ALWAYS at Stan the Man's. I would have friends over after school to swim, and he would make sure all of us had a bacon-tomato sandwich, and any style of Sam's brand cola we could imagine. As I got older, I began to see more and more resources offered by hanging out at Stan's house. I started taking his car for joyrides, not always with his permission, and once I even took my Grandma's motorized wheelchair all the way to 103rd! Stan has always been a pushover, so I always knew I could hit him up for a Benji before me and my girls hit the town.
We would all meet at Magen's, which was directly behind Stan's house. We got ready, hit the town, and made it back to Stan's no later than midnight, every night. Why would you want to stay the night at your Grandparent's house, right? WRONG! because we could throw a 50 person moonlight pool party and no one would ever know! In the beginning stages of "staying at Stan's", we would come home with our beer, go out by the pool, and rip until we passed out on the lawn chairs. Swimming and drinking = Great idea!
Around 2002, we all began to turn 16, and things were a changin'! Freedom. It was such a beautiful thing. One downfall of being able to drive was your parent being much more worried, though. With tighter restrictions on staying the night places, "staying at Stan's" became a weekend staple for my friends and I. We would stick to the normal routine, and be back at Stan's by midnight. We grabbed his cordless phone, took it into the front yard, and made all of our "Mom, I'm home" calls. This was right when Caller ID hit the scene, so actually being at Stan Bobrowski's house was important. After all the calls were made, we took the phone off the hook, and placed it carefully in the front bushes. We were then, free to roam the streets of Lubbock, and proceed to break all rules in sight.
At 6 am the next morning, probably only an hour or two after our return, Stan would walk through the living room, stepping over tube-tops and 10 nappy weaves soaked in cig smoke, and walk-fart, all in his whitey-tighties. My friends always loved that part. What would we have done without "Stayin at Stan's"???
New Kicks = Awesome Day!
These are THE most comfortable shoes I have ever worn in my entire life! It feels like I am walking on whipped cream.
International Man of Mystery
TRUE LIFE: Luke was walking around DT by himself, stopped and asked a Japanese man to take this photo. Cowboy hat backwards.
Food Baby
So, I've made it very clear in the past that I have no sympathy for homeless beggers. Notice how I said beggers there. If you are homeless, but putting forth some effort to getting a job or being a contributing member of society, then you're okay. BUT! If your idea of getting some income is standing on the corner asking for OTHER people's hard earned money, then get out of my direct line of vision, please. Here in Austin, they are everywhere! Initially, this was a huge culture shock for me, but now it is just a great source for people watching.
Last week I was sitting at a light, on my way to work, when I noticed a begger-chick who was cracked out like Whitney Houston in Africa. She was not your typical crack-head though.... she had some junk in the trunk, AND in the front seat. I feel 98% confident in saying that her junk in the front seat was NOT a baby! Call me a hater, but I could tell right off the bat that this bitch was faking. I can push my belly out like that too, and the over-done curvature of your lower back is a dead give away you eff'ing retard. Obviously, this girl has seen an increase in donations with her pregnancy act, so she is totally gonna work that angle. Sick world.
As she strutted her excess weight up and down the median, doing all the classic preggo-body language, people ate it up! I hate watching people give beggers money, it totally gets my goat. Give this hoe some milk, or some nutrients, not money for her to buy more crack with, please! She exhausted all of the potential suckas at the light, and headed over to the bus stop for a break. TRUE LIFE: the girl goes over to the bench, HIGH FIVES her man, and plops that ass down with pride. Disgusting. How about you high five over an interview at McDonald's, or finding some day work? She sat her poster on the ground, and stretched her feet across the bench, disregarding the 7 people waiting, who are actually going to THEIR JOBS! She is still caressing the food baby in her tummy, and even goes so far as to UNBUTTON her jeans on the bus stop bench. In public, directly in the line of vision of 30 people waiting for green. GET. A. LIFE! and please do it more than 200 yards away from my apartment. Thankyou.
Ginga Ninja
Don't walk up to me with that firey hair! Okay, I walked up to you and yelled "Ginger" across the bar, sorry. But still, how can you be a Day-walker, and have the balls to tell people that you are a ninja???
A GINGA NINJA!!!
If you're at Chili's this shitty-weathered Saturday morning, which you're probably not.... It's only 11am, and not many people love Chili's like Kelli and I do. Anyways, don't be alarmed if you hear me screaming. I'm loud & proud. I love this place and I want all 5 patrons in here to know that. I'll have a strawberry daquiri, and some avocado ranch, please. The waiter is bringing me a new DP before I even slurp down my last one.
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just for pure proof of how ridiculous things can get at 3:30am... I want everyone to know what true rapping potential lies within me.
Me. A microphone. Love in the air. Freestyle flow battle in Billy's backyard. Truly outshining any of my 10 performances of Juicy by Biggie on karaoke. Every time one of the boys gets into a good groove, Kelli interrupts like she is about the shut the club down. Just as you think she is about to lay down some Dwayne Carter shit, she quickly gives an unwarranted introduction for "Al on the mike" and puts me on the spot. She is the Cheddar Bob to my Rabbit!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Me. A microphone. Love in the air. Freestyle flow battle in Billy's backyard. Truly outshining any of my 10 performances of Juicy by Biggie on karaoke. Every time one of the boys gets into a good groove, Kelli interrupts like she is about the shut the club down. Just as you think she is about to lay down some Dwayne Carter shit, she quickly gives an unwarranted introduction for "Al on the mike" and puts me on the spot. She is the Cheddar Bob to my Rabbit!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
DO YOU!
My friend is reading the book, "The Art of Seduction". It totally sounds like a porno-move Kama Sutra book, but it's not. It's about the psychology behind getting someone to like you back. The summary says, "This book covers the rules of a timeless, amoral game and explores how to cast a spell, break down resistance, and, ultimately, compel a target to surrender."
How twisted is that? If someone doesn't like you, for whatever reason, then trying to "cast a spell" on them is not going to make things much better. Shara and I joke about "hypnotizing", but that's a whole different story. Though I have struggled with my independence, and stalker-esque hunting tactics, I do believe that reading a book to learn better tactics is slightly ridiculous.
Luckily, I think 499 out of every 500 guys are a douche, so it's not often that I get presented with this problem. When I finally do meet one worth liking, I have to go into it with the assumption that he will see my daily outrageousness and run with terror. Sorry dude, I just do me, and if you can't handle a little bit of the Swan, then it really is a good idea to abort immediately. As "someone" and I were discussing how crazy this book was, my friend told me what they book says about the "loud, funny, witty, creative type".
Basically, the book tells this type of girl that the only way to get a guy to like you is to "become more dull". I want to cry. How can this be a good piece of advice? Since when has it ever been a good idea to change yourself for someone else. Unless it's dropping the bottle, getting a stronger deodorant, or becoming a better person, DON'T EVER change yourself so a guy will like you. I have spent my entire life giving 110% towards being my own person, standing out, and being the exact opposite of anything normal or dull. I think it's kind of disgusting that the author thinks they have some kind of power to give people incredibly shitty advice.
You gotta DO YOU people, all day, regardless! DO YOU!
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